I love, love, love being a mom. Over the course of the past year I have learned so much about life, about myself and about being a mom. From the moment that I found out that we were pregnant I began to imagine what it would be like having a baby. I would find myself daydreaming of the things that I would do and not do. The things that i would teach my son or daughter. I was excited and yet nervous about this new role that I had. During my pregnancy I tried to do all of the right things, eat mostly good food, and tried to care for myself because i now had a little life growing inside of me.
Yet all of the advise and the words of wisdom that I received didn’t even hint at what it really means to be a mom. The moment that Judah was born was the day that a piece of my heart now lived on the outside of me. I loved this little baby in a new way the moment that I laid my eyes on his tiny body. I felt an ache when they had to wheel him away to the NICU.
During this past year I have been exhausted. I have cried from not knowing what to do. I have shed tears when all I could do nothing but stand back and watch as Judah was poked and prodded. My heart hurt watching his little body fight to thrive only wishing that I could take away all of his pain. There were moments that I felt that that I was doing nothing right.
Looking back I would not trade these moments for anything because along with all the crazy came all the sweet. Those moments where I tucked him into my shirt in the NICU and he would sleep for hours, when we finally got the okay to bring him home. There were those moments at 3 am when I held him close and whispered words of thanksgiving to my God for allowing me this little miracle. I look at Judah now and I can’t imagine being without him.
I am learning to cherish every moment. These are the moments that I want to remember forever. Like the first time that he looked and me, not just looked, but the moment that he recognized that I was mommy. His first smile. The first time that he giggled or made a funny face. First teeth, first crawl, first time that he pulled himself up or took that first daring step.
Perhaps picture is all I will have of these memories 30 years from now but today a hold these moments close to my heart. I love you Judah.