My first year being a mom

 I love, love, love being a mom.  Over the course of the past year I have learned so much about life, about myself and about being a mom.  From the moment that I found out that we were pregnant I began to imagine what it would be like having a baby.  I would find myself daydreaming of the things that I would do and not do.  The things that i would teach my son or daughter.  I was excited and yet nervous about this new role that I had. During my pregnancy I tried to do all of the right things, eat mostly good food, and tried to care for myself because i now had a little life growing inside of me.

Yet all of the advise and the words of wisdom that I received didn’t even hint at what it really means to be a mom.  The moment that Judah was born was the day that a piece of my heart now lived on the outside of me.  I loved this little baby in a new way the moment that I laid my eyes on his tiny body.  I felt an ache when they had to wheel him away to the NICU.

During this past year I have been exhausted. I have cried from not knowing what to do.  I have shed tears when all I could do nothing but stand back and watch as Judah was poked and prodded.  My heart hurt watching his little body fight to thrive only wishing that I could take away all of his pain. There were moments that I felt that that I was doing nothing right.

Looking back I would not trade these moments for anything because along with all the crazy came all the sweet.  Those moments where I tucked him into my shirt in the NICU and he would sleep for hours, when we finally got the okay to bring him home.  There were those moments at 3 am when I held him close and whispered words of thanksgiving to my God for allowing me this little miracle.  I look at Judah now and I can’t imagine being without him.

I am learning to cherish every moment.  These are the moments that I want to remember forever.  Like the first time that he looked and me, not just looked, but the moment that he recognized that I was mommy.  His first smile.  The first time that he giggled or made a funny face.  First teeth, first crawl, first time that he pulled himself up or took that first daring step. 

Perhaps picture is all I will have of these memories  30 years from now but today a hold these moments  close to my heart.   I love you Judah.

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