This morning driving to work, I cried. I cried because I am SO very tired. On Wednesday Judah was sick. On Thursday I came to work for half a day and spent the rest of the afternoon caring for my sick baby. Friday he was even worse so we went to the doctor. One chest xray, three breathing treatments, and one dose of steroids later we went home.
Judah spent Saturday afternoon and Sunday with dad. Came home still feeling sick. I feel so bad, I wish that I could take his place. Early this morning, five a.m. to be exact, he was up. Crying. I brought him to be with me where he tossed and turned for a while. Put him back in the bed, where he tossed and turned for the next hour. 😦
He finally fell asleep around six o’clock but I couldn’t. 😦 Then he woke up again around six thirty. We got ready. And on the way to daycare, my baby fell asleep. He looked so peaceful. I know that he was so tired. This morning I wish that there were three of me. One to take Judah home and let him sleep, one to crawl into bed and sleep and the last one to go to work. I’m so pooped.
My prayer is that once we move into our new place things will calm down and we’ll be able to just sit back and relax.
Days until I move: 11.
I feel so frustrated right now. I feel like I’m running on fumes and even that is about to go out. So many changes in the past few months have left me spinning to say the least. My body is tired. We are moving in one week and five days. The 29th cannot get here fast enough.
I finally got the paperwork from the attorney and I have to admit that I cried. Sitting there in the parking lot of the attorneys office I cried as I read our names followed by the words dissolution of marriage. There are days that is doesn’t seem real. But it is. And the last days if being a married woman are finally here. My heart is broken into a million pieces over this, but you cannot force someone to love you no matter how much you think that they should.
I know life will go on. And maybe one day I will find some one new. Big changes. Most days I don’t feel like I could take any more life altering changes.
One way ticket to the great unknown.
For the past several days I have been really struggling with the fact that the life that I once knew is pretty much over. Some days are better than others. Some weeks I’m fine. I’m happy and content with spending my days with my handsome little man. But then there are days and weeks for that matter that are just plain hard.
A friend, who also recently went through a divorce, said that the first year or so will be the hardest to deal with and I could not agree more. So far Thanksgiving and Christmas were pretty tough. Especially around my brothers and sisters, seeing them together, happy, enjoying each other. Judah’s birthday is the next big event with us.
I really don’t know how to even precede with planning and all that good stuff. Things are okay between dad and I, but I don’t know if I’m ready to celebrate things together I’ve talked to a few people that say that getting along and even trying things out together just makes things easier all around. I don’t think that I am ready just yet. I don’t really know what I’m going to do.
But anyway, I think that this move will be good for me. Maybe it will help get my mind off of some things and focused on the more positive things in my life.
On another note, Judah will be starting daycare next month when I move. I’m a big baby and just might cry more than he will. I’m excited that he will make new friends and have a environment that will stimulate his thinking. 🙂