Judah

Hi love.  It’s February 17th.  I’m sitting at work.  I’ve been thinking about you all morning.   The past few weeks have been a little tough for you and I.  I started back to work a little over a month ago and it’s been a bumpy transition.   Every day gets better.

I love you so much Judah!  Last night I put you to be and sat with you for a little bit.  You held on to my neck and you said I love you mommy and planted a big wet kiss on my cheek.

My heart melted and I fought hard not to start crying.

You are becoming your own little person, son.  You will be 3 years old in May.  It’s hard to believe that so much time has gone by.  I’m trying my hardest to savor every moment.   To soak up your sweet innocence.   There is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you, love.  Sometimes we are driving home and you fall asleep in your car seat.  I take you out and you wrap your little arms around me and nuzzle your sweet face next to my neck and all I can feel is honored and blessed to be your mommy.

My prayer every night is that I raise you to be a great man.  A man that loves the Lord, that is respectful,  honest, caring, giving and one that stands up for good even if you stand alone.  I pray that I am a good example to you that I show you how to go after your dreams.  That through me you learn to me bold and a leader.  I want you to have a passion and I want you to use it to drive you to work for the things that your heart desires.

You, my dear are currently a handful.  You’re going through this…stage.   Although it’s tough for me to handle at times, you are learning limits, learning to be brave and confident.  To assert yourself and sometimes fight for what you want.

I love you, pumpkin.   As crazy as some moments are…. I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

♥mommy

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New Year

Last night Judah and I spent the night cuddling, watching a documentary on killer whales.  There was no place that I would have rather been.  Last night I was lying in bed thinking about the things that happened in 2013 and where I wanted to be in 2014.  Normally I don’t really do the whole resolution thing.  I think that every morning that your feet hit the floor is a new opportunity to change.  
But this year I start with list in hand.  Things I want to do.  Things I want to see and experience.  Places that I want to travel to and places that I want to take Judah.  On this list there are also the things that I want to forget, let go of and honestly just move on from.  Looking back on this year it really seems that I spent a lot of days looking in the rear view mirror.  Daydreaming of what I wanted and not enough of actually making it happen.  There was some reminiscing of the “good days” and some of the bad days too.  
Driving today it really hit me just how much of this year I missed.  But I’m ready for this year 2014.  I just know that God is going to do great things in our lives.  I don’t usually share things like this but for the purpose of this post I will tell you.  
The other night I fell asleep on my brothers couch.  I was tired and didn’t feel like driving all the way home but anyway I laid there for a little while thinking about things, about Judah and about our lives.  I started to pray and I started to cry.  I felt so beat down.  I really felt like that kid that gets their lunch taken away day after day after day.  Well you get my point.  Over the last year I prayed and asked God for things and even through my tough days I tried my hardest to help who I could.  I tried to be positive and grateful for the things that I was blessed with.  Most days I felt like my prayers were simply floating aimlessly.  Lost.  
So that night I began to ask God why.  Why did He seem to be ignoring my prayers. My tears. My cries for help.  I prayed/cried myself to sleep and I had a dream.  
In my dream there was a man facing an empty field.  He was tired and visibly worn but he was planting little seeds as he walked.  The land in front of him was dry and dusty.  He looked to the sky and started crying.  He laid himself on the ground and began to sob asking God why had he not answered his prayers, that all he could see was just dead and barren.  And at that very moment God told him to stand up and look behind where he had been walking.  When the man turned he began to weep again because behind him was a beautiful field, full and green.  God spoke to him again saying: I heard all of those prayers. All of those storms that you went though and all of those tears you cried were just watering what I am preparing you for.  Just because you didn’t see it doesn’t mean I didn’t hear you.  Nothing has gone unnoticed.  
I woke up the next morning to a phone call from a company with a job offer, M-F no weekends, and the hours will allow me to have time to spend with Judah.  The pay and the benefits are excellent.  This job is truly a blessing. 
I know down deep that we will be more than okay.  That if I leave the heavy lifting to God that He will supply my need and then some.  I am so grateful for all that God has allowed me to have.  I’m thankful for the great and the not so great.  They have shaped me.  
There is a quote that I have seen that says ” you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option that you have” and I’m beyond words thankful that I don’t have to do it alone.
– Angela