Let me first start by saying thank you to those who still follow. It’s been a while since I’ve written but it’s not for lack of material. Life has just been crazy.
It official now, I’m now a mom of a four year old. Where has the time gone? I feel like it was just yesterday that I was praying for a positive pregnancy test. Sometimes i look at him and wonder how I was so lucky to be his mom. He is smart and caring. He has an a amazing imagination and is so creative. I cant believe that in less than a year he will be a kindergartner. I hope and pray that I am leading him in the right direction. I have to admit that sometimes I fear that I’m lacking something, that not having his father under the same roof will somehow change who he should have been. Hopefully that will change soon. But speaking of men…I met a guy!
Yes there’s a guy, I guess that explains a little of my absences as well. He’s really great. ..but more about him later.
I don’t know how I got this far. But my heart is happy. I’m at peace with the way things my life have turned out.
The good, the bad, and the ugly.
I am writing you this letter to tell you about how I feel about you in my sons life. Moving on for his dad and I is inevitable. So I know that one day you will be a major part of his life. As a little girl I dreamed of one day getting married and having a family. Little did I know that getting pregnant would not be easy at all but I can tell you that every needle prick, doctors appointment and even the scary moments were worth every moment.
If I can be honest with you. You scare me. I don’t know you at all. Yet you will be around a very important piece of my heart. My stomach sinks at the that thought that you could not have my sons best intentions. That you could hurt him. That you could push him away. That you could make him sad or even physically hurt him. I pray that this will never happen.
You see, Judah is my very breath. For six short months I felt him move and kick. For months I sat in the hospital by his bedside praying and hoping that he would be okay. I know where each of his little curls fall. I know his smile. I would do anything for him. He is my heart. I don’t know if you will have children or not but if you do you know exactly what I mean.
So here is my request to you. Please love my baby. Please. Please be an extension of me. Kiss his boo-boos. Bake him cookies. Be patient with him. He’s a little boy and can be a handful at times. Let him have time with his daddy. Encourage it. Make him laugh. Please protect him and please don’t ever hurt him. I think it goes without saying, but if one day your lose your marbles and decide that you are going to hurt him just know that you will see a kind of crazy that you have never seen.
Love him. Really love him because if anyone will recognize fake affection and love, it will be him.
This is what I would say to her. I’m sad because I don’t know and because it’s something I can’t control. I pray hard that whoever this woman is she will be good for Judah. My heart would stop beating if anything ever happened to him.
I feel so frustrated right now. I feel like I’m running on fumes and even that is about to go out. So many changes in the past few months have left me spinning to say the least. My body is tired. We are moving in one week and five days. The 29th cannot get here fast enough.
I finally got the paperwork from the attorney and I have to admit that I cried. Sitting there in the parking lot of the attorneys office I cried as I read our names followed by the words dissolution of marriage. There are days that is doesn’t seem real. But it is. And the last days if being a married woman are finally here. My heart is broken into a million pieces over this, but you cannot force someone to love you no matter how much you think that they should.
I know life will go on. And maybe one day I will find some one new. Big changes. Most days I don’t feel like I could take any more life altering changes.
One way ticket to the great unknown.