Happy seventh birthday Judah. I wish that I could stop time sometimes. You are growing so fast and sometimes it makes me a little bit sad. I hope you know just how much I love you and how very proud I am of you.
You are seven going on fifteen. You are wise beyond your years my love and I love watching you analyze things. You spend your days asking question after question. Sometimes you drive me mad and we have mandatory quiet time.
Right now you LOVE pizza, spaghetti and breakfast food. You could live on those three things. You just finished up soccer, I think you’re gonna be my little sports fanatic. Chris bought a tackle dummy and you mess with it EVERYDAY when you get home from school. You like school and have found your love for reading. I make you read out loud for homework, but really I just love listening to you read. Your best friend in the whole world is your cousin Abel. You ask on a weekly basis for him to come over. You guys are two peas in a pod.
I love you to the moon and back my love. Thank you for being such an amazing son.
Love. Mom ❤️
You know what’s crazy? Just how unpredictable life is. If you’ve followed me for a while, you know just how much I went through to have my little man. Sometimes I look at him and my heart breaks knowing he won’t be little forever. I still remember the feeling the moment I heard his heart beat for the first time. I remember sitting across for the fertility doctor, having him tell me “it worked”..”you’re pregnant”. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. This little boy is a part of my heart.
He will be 7 next month. 7 years old. Somedays I feel like super mom. I can do it all. Those days everything just falls into place. Dinner. Done. Homework. Done. Shower. Clothes ready. Teeth brushed and in bed by 7:55. Done. Well done mama.
Then there are the other days. I drag. I’m in a fog. I’m tired. Drained from a long day at work. Those days, I feel like shit. A bad mom. A moody, bitchy mom who can seem to get her shit together. Don’t get me wrong. I try. But I fail. I get frustrated easily. My patience wears thin.
Last September, my little man was diagnosed with ADHD combined type. For years, I sat back and watched. Angry at others for how they saw my baby. How they labeled and judged him. How dare they. Daycare was hard. There were notes. And sideway looks when he was younger. He was never the “bad” kid. Just the active one. They one who during movie time crawled around the room and pretended he was a dinosaur. The climber. The Daredevil. The questioner. The talker. I guess in the back of my head I kind of knew.
Fast forward a few years and here we are. The start of first grade was as rough as kinder. Note about talking, not sitting still etc. We knew we had to do something. Making that call to see a specialist was hard. Admitting to myself that he needed more help than I could give him was even harder.
But we did it.
I am so happy that we did. The medicine didn’t fix Judah. It just bridged a gap. He is so smart and I’m so proud to be his mom.
Let me first start by saying thank you to those who still follow. It’s been a while since I’ve written but it’s not for lack of material. Life has just been crazy.
It official now, I’m now a mom of a four year old. Where has the time gone? I feel like it was just yesterday that I was praying for a positive pregnancy test. Sometimes i look at him and wonder how I was so lucky to be his mom. He is smart and caring. He has an a amazing imagination and is so creative. I cant believe that in less than a year he will be a kindergartner. I hope and pray that I am leading him in the right direction. I have to admit that sometimes I fear that I’m lacking something, that not having his father under the same roof will somehow change who he should have been. Hopefully that will change soon. But speaking of men…I met a guy!
Yes there’s a guy, I guess that explains a little of my absences as well. He’s really great. ..but more about him later.
I don’t know how I got this far. But my heart is happy. I’m at peace with the way things my life have turned out.
The good, the bad, and the ugly.
I cannot believe it’s been almost 1 year
since the last time I posted. It’s been too long. There is so much that has gone on in the last year. There were rought times, sad times, tears of sadness and of joy. My baby will be 4 in a couple of months and it just doesn’t seem real. The way time passes. So quickly.
Losing weight finally
Leaning to enjoy the little things
Realized my worth
Last night Judah and I spent the night cuddling, watching a documentary on killer whales. There was no place that I would have rather been. Last night I was lying in bed thinking about the things that happened in 2013 and where I wanted to be in 2014. Normally I don’t really do the whole resolution thing. I think that every morning that your feet hit the floor is a new opportunity to change.
But this year I start with list in hand. Things I want to do. Things I want to see and experience. Places that I want to travel to and places that I want to take Judah. On this list there are also the things that I want to forget, let go of and honestly just move on from. Looking back on this year it really seems that I spent a lot of days looking in the rear view mirror. Daydreaming of what I wanted and not enough of actually making it happen. There was some reminiscing of the “good days” and some of the bad days too.
Driving today it really hit me just how much of this year I missed. But I’m ready for this year 2014. I just know that God is going to do great things in our lives. I don’t usually share things like this but for the purpose of this post I will tell you.
The other night I fell asleep on my brothers couch. I was tired and didn’t feel like driving all the way home but anyway I laid there for a little while thinking about things, about Judah and about our lives. I started to pray and I started to cry. I felt so beat down. I really felt like that kid that gets their lunch taken away day after day after day. Well you get my point. Over the last year I prayed and asked God for things and even through my tough days I tried my hardest to help who I could. I tried to be positive and grateful for the things that I was blessed with. Most days I felt like my prayers were simply floating aimlessly. Lost.
So that night I began to ask God why. Why did He seem to be ignoring my prayers. My tears. My cries for help. I prayed/cried myself to sleep and I had a dream.
In my dream there was a man facing an empty field. He was tired and visibly worn but he was planting little seeds as he walked. The land in front of him was dry and dusty. He looked to the sky and started crying. He laid himself on the ground and began to sob asking God why had he not answered his prayers, that all he could see was just dead and barren. And at that very moment God told him to stand up and look behind where he had been walking. When the man turned he began to weep again because behind him was a beautiful field, full and green. God spoke to him again saying: I heard all of those prayers. All of those storms that you went though and all of those tears you cried were just watering what I am preparing you for. Just because you didn’t see it doesn’t mean I didn’t hear you. Nothing has gone unnoticed.
I woke up the next morning to a phone call from a company with a job offer, M-F no weekends, and the hours will allow me to have time to spend with Judah. The pay and the benefits are excellent. This job is truly a blessing.
I know down deep that we will be more than okay. That if I leave the heavy lifting to God that He will supply my need and then some. I am so grateful for all that God has allowed me to have. I’m thankful for the great and the not so great. They have shaped me.
There is a quote that I have seen that says ” you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option that you have” and I’m beyond words thankful that I don’t have to do it alone.
2013 was probably one of the craziest years that I have had. This year I was living with my sister and her family. Our divorce was finalized in March of this year. I moved into my own apartment. I lost my job. I hurt. I fell down and stayed down for a while. I cried a lot. I learned that things change, situations change and that people change. I dated some and quickly realized that it was too soon. I hoped and dreamed. I lost. I prayed and I understood why things did or didn’t happen the way that I planned. I complained and wallowed in a big pool of self pity…. almost all year long.
But in this year I also fought. I loved. I laughed a lot. I made new friends. I was blessed with another year with my son. Despite being unemployed God never ceased to provide for me and Judah. I prayed and God answered. I was blessed with a job that only God could have opened a door for. I got up. Learned to keep going. I hoped and I dreamed. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I watched Judah grow, listened to him laugh and sometimes cry. I was the best mom I could be. I was reminded of just how much I am loved by my family and friends; reminded that despite feeling lonely at times that I am never alone.
This upcoming year I want to do things a little a lot different. I want to slow down and enjoy life, spend time with Judah, laugh more, spend more time with family and friends. Hopefully this year I can do more things with Judah. My plan is to do something different with him every month. Doesn’t have to be anything big. Maybe a museum or a new park, Sea World or Disney world or the beach. I want to take care of myself too. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I’m really excited about what 2014 will bring. Happy early New Year.
At 2:47 a.m. This little monster decided that he was going to come lay in my bed. It’s uncomfortable and he pushes me to the very edge of the bed, I get elbows and legs shoved into my ribs. But there’s nothing like kissing on his sleeping face.