Happy birthday little one

Happy seventh birthday Judah. I wish that I could stop time sometimes. You are growing so fast and sometimes it makes me a little bit sad. I hope you know just how much I love you and how very proud I am of you.

You are seven going on fifteen. You are wise beyond your years my love and I love watching you analyze things. You spend your days asking question after question. Sometimes you drive me mad and we have mandatory quiet time.

Right now you LOVE pizza, spaghetti and breakfast food. You could live on those three things. You just finished up soccer, I think you’re gonna be my little sports fanatic. Chris bought a tackle dummy and you mess with it EVERYDAY when you get home from school. You like school and have found your love for reading. I make you read out loud for homework, but really I just love listening to you read. Your best friend in the whole world is your cousin Abel. You ask on a weekly basis for him to come over. You guys are two peas in a pod.

I love you to the moon and back my love. Thank you for being such an amazing son.

Love. Mom ❤️

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Unsteady

You know what’s crazy? Just how unpredictable life is. If you’ve followed me for a while, you know just how much I went through to have my little man. Sometimes I look at him and my heart breaks knowing he won’t be little forever. I still remember the feeling the moment I heard his heart beat for the first time. I remember sitting across for the fertility doctor, having him tell me “it worked”..”you’re pregnant”. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. This little boy is a part of my heart.

He will be 7 next month. 7 years old. Somedays I feel like super mom. I can do it all. Those days everything just falls into place. Dinner. Done. Homework. Done. Shower. Clothes ready. Teeth brushed and in bed by 7:55. Done. Well done mama.

Then there are the other days. I drag. I’m in a fog. I’m tired. Drained from a long day at work. Those days, I feel like shit. A bad mom. A moody, bitchy mom who can seem to get her shit together. Don’t get me wrong. I try. But I fail. I get frustrated easily. My patience wears thin.

Last September, my little man was diagnosed with ADHD combined type. For years, I sat back and watched. Angry at others for how they saw my baby. How they labeled and judged him. How dare they. Daycare was hard. There were notes. And sideway looks when he was younger. He was never the “bad” kid. Just the active one. They one who during movie time crawled around the room and pretended he was a dinosaur. The climber. The Daredevil. The questioner. The talker. I guess in the back of my head I kind of knew.

Fast forward a few years and here we are. The start of first grade was as rough as kinder. Note about talking, not sitting still etc. We knew we had to do something. Making that call to see a specialist was hard. Admitting to myself that he needed more help than I could give him was even harder.

But we did it.

I am so happy that we did. The medicine didn’t fix Judah. It just bridged a gap. He is so smart and I’m so proud to be his mom.

I love you like a love song baby

Last month Chris and I turned one. I can’t believe it’s been a year already. The time just seemed to fly by. I won’t sit here and tell you that it’s been all sweetness and kisses cause I’d be lying. We’ve had out disagreements and even our first “fights”. But at the end of it all there’s peace, a compromise, an understanding that no matter what, we have each others back. 

Sometimes I sit and think about my past relationships and wonder why things weren’t this easy. Wrong person? Wrong time? A combination of both. What I do know is that they all taught me something. A lot about myself and some about men. 

I can honestly say I see Chris so different than I did anyone else, including my ex-husband. Partly because of they type of person that he is. I’m gonna brag on my man a little bit so prep yourself. For starters, he is not a romantic in the general definition of the word. His romance is displayed when he rubs my back when I lay across his lap, or puts his hand in my hair. When I’m cooking he’ll come in to help me clean, he’ll grab the broom and mop and send me away to finish up. He gasses up my car. His sappy texts are rare but when I do get them I know they are from the heart. One of the things I love the most is that he can make me laugh. Even on my roughest days he’s a text  or meme or picture away from making me smile. His soft, kind, funny, loving, sweetness is all mine. Most people don’t see that side of him.

I feel privileged to know what it feels like to be absolutely head over heels in love. 

The Guy

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I know I promised this post months ago, a little late but here it is guys. 

If you read my last post you know that I met my boyfriend on tinder, I know who knew there were actually good guys on there.  I guess you can say that somehow the stars aligned the night we met.  I was completely burned out on dating. I had tried all the lame dating sites and at the end of the day ended up more frustrated than I had started.  I never seemed to find the guy with the qualited I knew I needed.  Not to mention that most didn’t  get to the actual date part because of the pervert factor.  I guess guys assume that being a gentleman was not a requirement and that sex was what all women online are looking for? I don’t know but it was getting annoying.  
I honestly dont remember who messaged who first but it was so sweet from the beginning.  We messaged back and forth for a few days before I gave him my number and honestly i was waiting for the dumb sex questions to start, you know which ones….what are you wearing…what do you like blah blah blah.  I tell him all the time that this was one of the reasons that I found him so attractive.  The questions never came. He was a perfect getleman,  over text, over the phone, in person.  He let me take the lead and it was so refreshing. 

Fast forward to now I’m happy to say that I am one happy woman. It’s amazing to know a feel like you are cherished. Don’t get me wrong we’ve had our small disagreements but at the end of the day I know that most things aren’t worth the fight. And talking it out is wayyyyy better than the arguing and the fighting. I’ve learned so much about myself, about relationships, love, sacrifice.

I don’t want this feeling to ever end.

The fall update

Let me first start by saying thank you to those who still follow.  It’s been a while since I’ve written but it’s not for lack of material.  Life has just been crazy.

It official now, I’m now a mom of a four year old.  Where has the time gone?  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was praying for a positive pregnancy test.  Sometimes i look at him and wonder how I was so lucky to be his mom.  He is smart and caring.  He has an a amazing imagination and is so creative.  I cant believe that in less than a year he will be a kindergartner.  I hope and pray that I am leading him in the right direction.  I have to admit that sometimes I fear that I’m lacking something, that not having his father under the same roof will somehow change who he should have been.  Hopefully that will change soon. But speaking of men…I met a guy!

Yes there’s a guy, I guess that explains a little of my absences as well. He’s really great. ..but more about him later.

I don’t know how I got this far. But my heart is happy. I’m at peace with the way things my life have turned out.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Happiness

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Dear Judah,

Your birthday is only two months away baby.  I cannot believe how big you are getting. We went to the park and you were picking flowers for me. I love you more than any words I could ever use. You are so kind and caring and I’m proud to be your mommy.

Life has calmed down so much. We are happy. You are happy. Your favorite thing to say is -I was thinking about you mommy- you definitely know how to melt my heart. Years ago I was so scared about raising you without your daddy in the same house.

But today I’m proud to say that we got this. I would not trade the time I have with you for anything in the world.

Favorite food- sausage and eggs, you could eat this everyday. For every meal.

Favorite song- Centuries by FallOutBoy

Favorite place to sleep- “in my back” as you say. You love to curl up behind me in my bed. You sneak in almost every night. I pretend that I mind but I actually love having you sleeping next to me.

I love you! I love the person I’ve become because of you.

♥ mommy

2013

2013 was probably one of the craziest years that I have had.  This year I was living with my sister and her family.  Our divorce was finalized in March of this year.  I moved into my own apartment.  I lost my job.  I hurt.  I fell down and stayed down for a while. I cried a lot. I learned that things change, situations change and that people change.  I dated some and quickly realized that it was too soon.  I hoped and dreamed.  I lost. I prayed and I understood why things did or didn’t happen the way that I planned.  I complained and wallowed in a big pool of self pity…. almost all year long.
But in this year I also fought. I loved.  I laughed a lot.  I made new friends.  I was blessed with another year with my son.  Despite being unemployed God never ceased to provide for me and Judah.  I prayed and God answered.  I was blessed with a job that only God could have opened a door for.  I got up.  Learned to keep going.  I hoped and I dreamed.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable.  I watched Judah grow, listened to him laugh and sometimes cry.  I was the best mom I could be.  I was reminded of just how much I am loved by my family and friends; reminded that despite feeling lonely at times that I am never alone.
This upcoming year I want to do things a little a lot different.  I want to slow down and enjoy life, spend time with Judah, laugh more, spend more time with family and friends.  Hopefully this year I can do more things with Judah.  My plan is to do something different with him every month.  Doesn’t have to be anything big.  Maybe a museum or a new park, Sea World or Disney world or the beach.  I want to take care of myself too.  Physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I’m really excited about what 2014 will bring.  Happy early New Year.