Happy birthday little one

Happy seventh birthday Judah. I wish that I could stop time sometimes. You are growing so fast and sometimes it makes me a little bit sad. I hope you know just how much I love you and how very proud I am of you.

You are seven going on fifteen. You are wise beyond your years my love and I love watching you analyze things. You spend your days asking question after question. Sometimes you drive me mad and we have mandatory quiet time.

Right now you LOVE pizza, spaghetti and breakfast food. You could live on those three things. You just finished up soccer, I think you’re gonna be my little sports fanatic. Chris bought a tackle dummy and you mess with it EVERYDAY when you get home from school. You like school and have found your love for reading. I make you read out loud for homework, but really I just love listening to you read. Your best friend in the whole world is your cousin Abel. You ask on a weekly basis for him to come over. You guys are two peas in a pod.

I love you to the moon and back my love. Thank you for being such an amazing son.

Love. Mom ❤️

Advertisements

Unsteady

You know what’s crazy? Just how unpredictable life is. If you’ve followed me for a while, you know just how much I went through to have my little man. Sometimes I look at him and my heart breaks knowing he won’t be little forever. I still remember the feeling the moment I heard his heart beat for the first time. I remember sitting across for the fertility doctor, having him tell me “it worked”..”you’re pregnant”. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. This little boy is a part of my heart.

He will be 7 next month. 7 years old. Somedays I feel like super mom. I can do it all. Those days everything just falls into place. Dinner. Done. Homework. Done. Shower. Clothes ready. Teeth brushed and in bed by 7:55. Done. Well done mama.

Then there are the other days. I drag. I’m in a fog. I’m tired. Drained from a long day at work. Those days, I feel like shit. A bad mom. A moody, bitchy mom who can seem to get her shit together. Don’t get me wrong. I try. But I fail. I get frustrated easily. My patience wears thin.

Last September, my little man was diagnosed with ADHD combined type. For years, I sat back and watched. Angry at others for how they saw my baby. How they labeled and judged him. How dare they. Daycare was hard. There were notes. And sideway looks when he was younger. He was never the “bad” kid. Just the active one. They one who during movie time crawled around the room and pretended he was a dinosaur. The climber. The Daredevil. The questioner. The talker. I guess in the back of my head I kind of knew.

Fast forward a few years and here we are. The start of first grade was as rough as kinder. Note about talking, not sitting still etc. We knew we had to do something. Making that call to see a specialist was hard. Admitting to myself that he needed more help than I could give him was even harder.

But we did it.

I am so happy that we did. The medicine didn’t fix Judah. It just bridged a gap. He is so smart and I’m so proud to be his mom.

2013

2013 was probably one of the craziest years that I have had.  This year I was living with my sister and her family.  Our divorce was finalized in March of this year.  I moved into my own apartment.  I lost my job.  I hurt.  I fell down and stayed down for a while. I cried a lot. I learned that things change, situations change and that people change.  I dated some and quickly realized that it was too soon.  I hoped and dreamed.  I lost. I prayed and I understood why things did or didn’t happen the way that I planned.  I complained and wallowed in a big pool of self pity…. almost all year long.
But in this year I also fought. I loved.  I laughed a lot.  I made new friends.  I was blessed with another year with my son.  Despite being unemployed God never ceased to provide for me and Judah.  I prayed and God answered.  I was blessed with a job that only God could have opened a door for.  I got up.  Learned to keep going.  I hoped and I dreamed.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable.  I watched Judah grow, listened to him laugh and sometimes cry.  I was the best mom I could be.  I was reminded of just how much I am loved by my family and friends; reminded that despite feeling lonely at times that I am never alone.
This upcoming year I want to do things a little a lot different.  I want to slow down and enjoy life, spend time with Judah, laugh more, spend more time with family and friends.  Hopefully this year I can do more things with Judah.  My plan is to do something different with him every month.  Doesn’t have to be anything big.  Maybe a museum or a new park, Sea World or Disney world or the beach.  I want to take care of myself too.  Physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I’m really excited about what 2014 will bring.  Happy early New Year.

Dear Judah

Dear Judah,
I just wanted to take a second to tell you just how much I love you. You are about 5 minutes away from your 3rd birthday. I can’t believe how time has just flown by. You got this been all week with me baby and I loved every minute. This pictures of you and I just being silly. You didn’t want me to put you down everytime I try to you calling your little legs around me your arms around my neck saying no mommy no down.  I have no idea what I would do without you.
I miss you from the moment you walk out of the door. You’re such a smart little boy.  You are kind and caring and really really silly.  You love to goof off and make me laugh.  just the other day you realize that you can roll your eyesand when you’re acting really silly your roll your eyes or wink at me. Especially when it’s time for bed, you’ll try anything in order for me not to put you to bed. Each night I come into your room and cover you up. I love seeing your little face curled up in a blanket.
You are growing way to fast.  Please slow down love.
Love,
mommy

I just don’t know…

Okay, for the past several weeks I have contemplated going back to work full time.  Only a couple of weeks before I gave birth to Judah I received that dreadful layoff notice from my job.  It really caught me off guard as I was planning to return to work after 6 weeks of being at home with my little one.

Well as life would have it things did not turn out the way that I had planned them.  Figure that.  For starters I didn’t plan on having Judah so soon.  After he was born I knew that the likelihood of me returning to work so soon was probably out of the question.  Fast forward almost a year and a half and I find myself here… torn.

There is the working mom part of me that is ready to get back to work and have really conversations over real lunch.  don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being home with Judah.  I love waking up to his sweet babbles and sweet smiles in the morning and I love kissing and loving on him all day long.  But then there is a part of me that feels bad that there is not a class room full of kids to play with (which he loves by the way) and that there is no other kids around to get into trouble with.

For the past several days I have been pouring over day care centers.  Looking through ratings and comments to try and find the perfect one. 

What do you do?  I wish there were two of me….

I’m back

I think that by now I have lost the few readers that I had (thank you all by the way) 🙂 I know it’s been like forever and a day that I’ve posted anything.

Things have been a little out of sorts  here lately, to say the least.  But I guess that’s how life goes sometimes huh.  Judah is doing what he does best, which is growing too fast.  I don’t think that my whispers in the morning for him not to grow up are working.  We are officially mobile on two feet.

Yep! Judah is walking.  First with a few steps and now he’s just a big boy.  Braving those steps that are beyond the safety of something to grab on to.  He is so determined too.  I love looking at him when he is thinking.  His little face says it all “if i could just make it to the…”

I know that I should be happy about him growing up and but I just can’t help wondering what it will be like when I can no longer scoop him up from his crib to give him his morning kisses. Or when I will no longer feel his warm breath on my neck when he is just to sleepy to wait for his bed.  I cherish these moments.

This little guy has my heart and he just loves his mommy.  There are times when I get caught up in the busyness of the day that I forget what is really important in life.  And it is in those moments that God allows me catch a glimpse of Judah smiling at me or giggling with his daddy and I remember why the harder times are worth it.

Well I don’t have any picures to post tonight but I will updated tomorrow.

G’night peeps.

My first year being a mom

 I love, love, love being a mom.  Over the course of the past year I have learned so much about life, about myself and about being a mom.  From the moment that I found out that we were pregnant I began to imagine what it would be like having a baby.  I would find myself daydreaming of the things that I would do and not do.  The things that i would teach my son or daughter.  I was excited and yet nervous about this new role that I had. During my pregnancy I tried to do all of the right things, eat mostly good food, and tried to care for myself because i now had a little life growing inside of me.

Yet all of the advise and the words of wisdom that I received didn’t even hint at what it really means to be a mom.  The moment that Judah was born was the day that a piece of my heart now lived on the outside of me.  I loved this little baby in a new way the moment that I laid my eyes on his tiny body.  I felt an ache when they had to wheel him away to the NICU.

During this past year I have been exhausted. I have cried from not knowing what to do.  I have shed tears when all I could do nothing but stand back and watch as Judah was poked and prodded.  My heart hurt watching his little body fight to thrive only wishing that I could take away all of his pain. There were moments that I felt that that I was doing nothing right.

Looking back I would not trade these moments for anything because along with all the crazy came all the sweet.  Those moments where I tucked him into my shirt in the NICU and he would sleep for hours, when we finally got the okay to bring him home.  There were those moments at 3 am when I held him close and whispered words of thanksgiving to my God for allowing me this little miracle.  I look at Judah now and I can’t imagine being without him.

I am learning to cherish every moment.  These are the moments that I want to remember forever.  Like the first time that he looked and me, not just looked, but the moment that he recognized that I was mommy.  His first smile.  The first time that he giggled or made a funny face.  First teeth, first crawl, first time that he pulled himself up or took that first daring step. 

Perhaps picture is all I will have of these memories  30 years from now but today a hold these moments  close to my heart.   I love you Judah.