Happy birthday little one

Happy seventh birthday Judah. I wish that I could stop time sometimes. You are growing so fast and sometimes it makes me a little bit sad. I hope you know just how much I love you and how very proud I am of you.

You are seven going on fifteen. You are wise beyond your years my love and I love watching you analyze things. You spend your days asking question after question. Sometimes you drive me mad and we have mandatory quiet time.

Right now you LOVE pizza, spaghetti and breakfast food. You could live on those three things. You just finished up soccer, I think you’re gonna be my little sports fanatic. Chris bought a tackle dummy and you mess with it EVERYDAY when you get home from school. You like school and have found your love for reading. I make you read out loud for homework, but really I just love listening to you read. Your best friend in the whole world is your cousin Abel. You ask on a weekly basis for him to come over. You guys are two peas in a pod.

I love you to the moon and back my love. Thank you for being such an amazing son.

Love. Mom ❤️

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Happiness

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Dear Judah,

Your birthday is only two months away baby.  I cannot believe how big you are getting. We went to the park and you were picking flowers for me. I love you more than any words I could ever use. You are so kind and caring and I’m proud to be your mommy.

Life has calmed down so much. We are happy. You are happy. Your favorite thing to say is -I was thinking about you mommy- you definitely know how to melt my heart. Years ago I was so scared about raising you without your daddy in the same house.

But today I’m proud to say that we got this. I would not trade the time I have with you for anything in the world.

Favorite food- sausage and eggs, you could eat this everyday. For every meal.

Favorite song- Centuries by FallOutBoy

Favorite place to sleep- “in my back” as you say. You love to curl up behind me in my bed. You sneak in almost every night. I pretend that I mind but I actually love having you sleeping next to me.

I love you! I love the person I’ve become because of you.

♥ mommy

New Year

Last night Judah and I spent the night cuddling, watching a documentary on killer whales.  There was no place that I would have rather been.  Last night I was lying in bed thinking about the things that happened in 2013 and where I wanted to be in 2014.  Normally I don’t really do the whole resolution thing.  I think that every morning that your feet hit the floor is a new opportunity to change.  
But this year I start with list in hand.  Things I want to do.  Things I want to see and experience.  Places that I want to travel to and places that I want to take Judah.  On this list there are also the things that I want to forget, let go of and honestly just move on from.  Looking back on this year it really seems that I spent a lot of days looking in the rear view mirror.  Daydreaming of what I wanted and not enough of actually making it happen.  There was some reminiscing of the “good days” and some of the bad days too.  
Driving today it really hit me just how much of this year I missed.  But I’m ready for this year 2014.  I just know that God is going to do great things in our lives.  I don’t usually share things like this but for the purpose of this post I will tell you.  
The other night I fell asleep on my brothers couch.  I was tired and didn’t feel like driving all the way home but anyway I laid there for a little while thinking about things, about Judah and about our lives.  I started to pray and I started to cry.  I felt so beat down.  I really felt like that kid that gets their lunch taken away day after day after day.  Well you get my point.  Over the last year I prayed and asked God for things and even through my tough days I tried my hardest to help who I could.  I tried to be positive and grateful for the things that I was blessed with.  Most days I felt like my prayers were simply floating aimlessly.  Lost.  
So that night I began to ask God why.  Why did He seem to be ignoring my prayers. My tears. My cries for help.  I prayed/cried myself to sleep and I had a dream.  
In my dream there was a man facing an empty field.  He was tired and visibly worn but he was planting little seeds as he walked.  The land in front of him was dry and dusty.  He looked to the sky and started crying.  He laid himself on the ground and began to sob asking God why had he not answered his prayers, that all he could see was just dead and barren.  And at that very moment God told him to stand up and look behind where he had been walking.  When the man turned he began to weep again because behind him was a beautiful field, full and green.  God spoke to him again saying: I heard all of those prayers. All of those storms that you went though and all of those tears you cried were just watering what I am preparing you for.  Just because you didn’t see it doesn’t mean I didn’t hear you.  Nothing has gone unnoticed.  
I woke up the next morning to a phone call from a company with a job offer, M-F no weekends, and the hours will allow me to have time to spend with Judah.  The pay and the benefits are excellent.  This job is truly a blessing. 
I know down deep that we will be more than okay.  That if I leave the heavy lifting to God that He will supply my need and then some.  I am so grateful for all that God has allowed me to have.  I’m thankful for the great and the not so great.  They have shaped me.  
There is a quote that I have seen that says ” you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only option that you have” and I’m beyond words thankful that I don’t have to do it alone.
– Angela 

2013

2013 was probably one of the craziest years that I have had.  This year I was living with my sister and her family.  Our divorce was finalized in March of this year.  I moved into my own apartment.  I lost my job.  I hurt.  I fell down and stayed down for a while. I cried a lot. I learned that things change, situations change and that people change.  I dated some and quickly realized that it was too soon.  I hoped and dreamed.  I lost. I prayed and I understood why things did or didn’t happen the way that I planned.  I complained and wallowed in a big pool of self pity…. almost all year long.
But in this year I also fought. I loved.  I laughed a lot.  I made new friends.  I was blessed with another year with my son.  Despite being unemployed God never ceased to provide for me and Judah.  I prayed and God answered.  I was blessed with a job that only God could have opened a door for.  I got up.  Learned to keep going.  I hoped and I dreamed.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable.  I watched Judah grow, listened to him laugh and sometimes cry.  I was the best mom I could be.  I was reminded of just how much I am loved by my family and friends; reminded that despite feeling lonely at times that I am never alone.
This upcoming year I want to do things a little a lot different.  I want to slow down and enjoy life, spend time with Judah, laugh more, spend more time with family and friends.  Hopefully this year I can do more things with Judah.  My plan is to do something different with him every month.  Doesn’t have to be anything big.  Maybe a museum or a new park, Sea World or Disney world or the beach.  I want to take care of myself too.  Physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I’m really excited about what 2014 will bring.  Happy early New Year.

Dear Judah

Dear Judah,
I just wanted to take a second to tell you just how much I love you. You are about 5 minutes away from your 3rd birthday. I can’t believe how time has just flown by. You got this been all week with me baby and I loved every minute. This pictures of you and I just being silly. You didn’t want me to put you down everytime I try to you calling your little legs around me your arms around my neck saying no mommy no down.  I have no idea what I would do without you.
I miss you from the moment you walk out of the door. You’re such a smart little boy.  You are kind and caring and really really silly.  You love to goof off and make me laugh.  just the other day you realize that you can roll your eyesand when you’re acting really silly your roll your eyes or wink at me. Especially when it’s time for bed, you’ll try anything in order for me not to put you to bed. Each night I come into your room and cover you up. I love seeing your little face curled up in a blanket.
You are growing way to fast.  Please slow down love.
Love,
mommy

Letter to Judahs future step mom

{Dear Step-mom,

I am writing you this letter to tell you about how I feel about you in my sons life.  Moving on for his dad and I is inevitable. So I know that one day you will be a major part of his life.  As a little girl I dreamed of one day getting married and having a family.  Little did I know that getting pregnant would not be easy at all but I can tell you that every needle prick, doctors appointment and even the scary moments were worth every moment.
If I can be honest with you.  You scare me.  I don’t know you at all.  Yet you will be around a very important piece of my heart.  My stomach sinks at the that thought that you could not have my sons best intentions.  That you could hurt him.  That you could push him away.  That you could make him sad or even physically hurt him.  I pray that this will never happen.
You see, Judah is my very breath.  For six short months I felt him move and kick.  For months I sat in the hospital by his bedside praying and hoping that he would be okay.  I know where each of his little curls fall. I know his smile.  I would do anything for him.  He is my heart.  I don’t know if you will have children or not but if you do you know exactly what I mean.
So here is my request to you.  Please love my baby. Please.  Please be an extension of me.  Kiss his boo-boos.  Bake him cookies.  Be patient with him.  He’s a little boy and can be a handful at times.  Let him have time with his daddy.  Encourage it.  Make him laugh.  Please protect him and please don’t ever hurt him.  I think it goes without saying, but if one day your lose your marbles and decide that you are going to hurt him just know that you will see a kind of crazy that you have never seen.
Love him.  Really love him because if anyone will recognize fake affection and love, it will be him.
Sincerely,
Judahs Mommy}
This is what I would say to her.  I’m sad because I don’t know and because it’s something I can’t control.  I pray hard that whoever this woman is she will be good for Judah.  My heart would stop beating if anything ever happened to him.
– Angela

Dear mom.. I’m two!

Oh my goondess!! WHO took my sweet baby and replaced him with this little monster???  This was Judah at the doctors office.  Throwing a fit.
I really didn’t think this could really happen to me 😦 lol…. I have seen these little monsters in the stores, in the streets throwing fits while I lovingly hold Judah.  Giving him kisses, whispering “oh im so glad i have such a laied back little boy”.
Appenrantly I spoke too soon!!! Those darn terrible two’s are here with a vengeance   And as much as I wish they weren’t, they are here to stay.