I am writing you this letter to tell you about how I feel about you in my sons life. Moving on for his dad and I is inevitable. So I know that one day you will be a major part of his life. As a little girl I dreamed of one day getting married and having a family. Little did I know that getting pregnant would not be easy at all but I can tell you that every needle prick, doctors appointment and even the scary moments were worth every moment.
If I can be honest with you. You scare me. I don’t know you at all. Yet you will be around a very important piece of my heart. My stomach sinks at the that thought that you could not have my sons best intentions. That you could hurt him. That you could push him away. That you could make him sad or even physically hurt him. I pray that this will never happen.
You see, Judah is my very breath. For six short months I felt him move and kick. For months I sat in the hospital by his bedside praying and hoping that he would be okay. I know where each of his little curls fall. I know his smile. I would do anything for him. He is my heart. I don’t know if you will have children or not but if you do you know exactly what I mean.
So here is my request to you. Please love my baby. Please. Please be an extension of me. Kiss his boo-boos. Bake him cookies. Be patient with him. He’s a little boy and can be a handful at times. Let him have time with his daddy. Encourage it. Make him laugh. Please protect him and please don’t ever hurt him. I think it goes without saying, but if one day your lose your marbles and decide that you are going to hurt him just know that you will see a kind of crazy that you have never seen.
Love him. Really love him because if anyone will recognize fake affection and love, it will be him.
This is what I would say to her. I’m sad because I don’t know and because it’s something I can’t control. I pray hard that whoever this woman is she will be good for Judah. My heart would stop beating if anything ever happened to him.
This morning was one heck of a morning. I feel like I’m slowly losing steam. I’m exhausted this morning.
Last night Judah came home from his grandpa’s house and he was in a super mood, and by super I mean he was fussy and really clingy. He is still trying to get over this cold and it is taking a toll on his little body. After a little bit of dinner, bath and a breathing treatment he was asking to go to his bed. My poor little man was just as tired as his mommy.
Moving time is next Friday and it really cannot get here fast enough. My/Judah’s room is a wreck. Everything that I own is in one room. Without closet or dresser space so you can really imagine just how crazy it looks in there. I think that it’s probably why I’m feeling so crappy. But soon, very soon we will have our own space.
Anyway, back to this morning. Judah and I woke up. Got dressed in our crazy room. I left the house with wet hair and no makeup. Blah. We drove to Whataburger for breakfast and my baby wouldn’t eat. I think the cold pretty much obliterated his appetite I hate when he doesn’t eat, especially now that he’s in daycare. Then we got caught in a 30 min delay in traffic which I think we really needed. We talked and sang all the way to daycare. LOL. Until we got to the building, where he started to whine and then cry. I wanted to cry.
So there you have it. My morning.
For the past several days I have been really struggling with the fact that the life that I once knew is pretty much over. Some days are better than others. Some weeks I’m fine. I’m happy and content with spending my days with my handsome little man. But then there are days and weeks for that matter that are just plain hard.
A friend, who also recently went through a divorce, said that the first year or so will be the hardest to deal with and I could not agree more. So far Thanksgiving and Christmas were pretty tough. Especially around my brothers and sisters, seeing them together, happy, enjoying each other. Judah’s birthday is the next big event with us.
I really don’t know how to even precede with planning and all that good stuff. Things are okay between dad and I, but I don’t know if I’m ready to celebrate things together I’ve talked to a few people that say that getting along and even trying things out together just makes things easier all around. I don’t think that I am ready just yet. I don’t really know what I’m going to do.
But anyway, I think that this move will be good for me. Maybe it will help get my mind off of some things and focused on the more positive things in my life.
On another note, Judah will be starting daycare next month when I move. I’m a big baby and just might cry more than he will. I’m excited that he will make new friends and have a environment that will stimulate his thinking. 🙂