Every so often I get the itch to write, to transfer all that life has delt me…into words. So here I am, back to writing.
The biggest news…I married my best friend in Vegas this past February. I wrote about him a couple of times. He’s probably the reason why I stopped writing. I’ve been living, enjoying life. I know it sounds super cheesy but I am so in love. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that we were meant to be together. We are opposite in some ways, but in most we just click.
One night a few months ago, he proposed. Not on bended knee with 10 dozen flowers. But next to the bed with an open heart. It was truly the most heartfelt words he’s ever said. It’s a special feeling when you know that someone thinks the world of you. I wouldn’t give that up for anything. Honestly, I would have said yes after 6 months. Guess you can say I just knew.
I found my lover, my best friend, my travel companion, my confidant.
Lucky doesn’t do it justice.
You and I, my love, are two of the same. I don’t even know the to describe how much I love you. This was the first time that we rode a go-cart together and you absolutely loved it. You can annoy the shit outta me and make my heart overflow all at the same time. You’re six now and pretty much a grown up. I love how you are so independent and smart. You ALWAYS have something to say. I am so proud of you.
You’ll be starting the first grade soon and
I love you Judah.
Judah. Don’t grow so quickly. My heart can’t take it.
So I’ve been wanting to write for a couple of weeks now. But my stupid laptop was not cooperating with me. Anyway, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. My baby is turning 4 years old in a month, and for the past couple of weeks he’s been asking me for a baby brother. I don’t even know what to say to him. The first time he asked me I wanted to break down and cry.
When I got married envision my life with maybe 3 kids. I grew up in a pretty big family and I loved it. I wanted the same for my son. We struggle to conceive but hoped that one day we will be able to try IVF again or adopt. Well we see how that turned out. I feel guilty and heartbroken. I wish I could give him what he so genuinely wants. It’s hard not to wish that someone would just come into my life and give me that family I had hoped for. Maybe one day….Who knows.
On another note I went to go drop my son off today to his dad, and there was a picture of him and his new girlfriend on his bar. I had always wondered if he was seeing her while we were dating and trying to work things out. So I asked him. and I got the answer I was expecting. He said they were not dating, but that they were hanging out and that the time that I came over TWO weeks after we had broken up she was the one that was there with him..with her son…and thier luggage. This made me sad and mad and frustrated all of the same time. I was sad that I had trusted this person, and the things he was telling me about bringing our family back together, and he chose instead to do things behind my back and lie. I was mad because I had allowed it all. I was hurt because it seems so unfair that he has someone to come home too, to talk to and to do all those new love things with.
I know that tomorrow I’ll feel better. I’ll remember that she’s better off with him than I am and that one day I’ll have love, real love, the kind that doesn’t doesn’t hurt that doesn’t lie that doesn’t cheat the kind that doesn’t fizzle away.
But tonight. I will be sad.
Tomorrow will be better.
This weekend was valentines day and im happy to say that I survived. Woohoo. My day consisted of being with the ones I love. Breakfast with my parents. Girl time…. watched 50 shades of Grey. And ended the night at home. Alone and happy. I am so greatful for what I havr accomplished, what God has changed in my life and what He has allowed to change me.
Two years ago I was a different person. I was broken, betrayed, worn and very unhappy. I held my head high on the outside and used up every ounce of my strength to stay strong for my baby. When he went to his dad’s house I would cry myself to sleep. I was in a dark tunnel with no end in sight. Everything seemed impossible. You see, I come from a family of marriages. It’s what I had always wanted. A husband, a few babies, a home, ect. I dreamed of a beautiful life of traveling and late night chats. I dreamed that the man I would marry would hold my heart forever. Through the thick and thin we would fight on.
Then everything died.
It was stripped away from me. I mourned deeply because all that I had wanted had walked out of the door. My dreams dragging behind him. The thought of someone else hurt, the thought of dating, moving on, seeing him with someone new, and the thought of lost love hurt. The thought of my son having step parents hurt. The thought of finding love again hurt. The thought of being alone hurt. Everything. Even my physical body hurt.
Days turned into weeks; weeks turned into months then into years. Just as the time passed so did the pain and the uncertainty. I am so happy now. I mean I have my not so great days but I have a plan. The light at the end of the tunnel is now shining bright on my face. I am blessed with a beautiful son and everyday has something to be thankful for. I look forward to the future, to finishing what I started, to learning and growing, to loving and I look forward to finding someone who will love me like I deserve. ♥
We laugh at work and joke about bringing tequila to make mixed drinks… you know to relieve the stress. Ha. Well, lemme tell you today would have been a perfect day for a drink. It started this morning when I woke up a little late. Getting out of the door on time with a 3 year old is tough but we managed to only be running 3 minutes behind. Started the car… gasoline on empty. Dropped my baby off…. stopped at the gas station and used my last $20 bucks for gas. This put me about….anoooootheerrrr 10 minutes behind schedule. Which only meant that I would NOT have time to do my makeup on the parking lot. LOL. Yes i know, who does that? Okay so you see how my day is going so far.
Mmmm about 2 hours into my day I go to the restroom and my fucking zipper breaks. Yes breaks! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk! I ravaged my desk for some safety pins. 2 score. At least my pants would stay up.
For the rest of the day i had to pin and unpin my pants every time i had to pee. Deep breath…savor the moments…brush off the little things blah blah blah.
Lunch time. Realize I left my homemade chicken soup in my car. Wallet-$0. Ritz crackers and water for lunch.
My son was scheduled to be picked up by his grandfather today. Maybe I should have made myself a damn note that I SWITCHED DAYS TO FRIDAY!!! How did I remember do you ask…. when the daycare called and asked if everything was okay because my son was there. The last kid left.
MY BABY!!! I felt like the worst mother! The worst mother ever. My son got into the car and was like ‘mommy you was late…I was missing you’. Knife to the heart.
Anyway, that was my day. In it’s shitty glory. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
Well get to the moving in part in a sec. First off great news, I got a job offer! I received a call the end of last week and I am so excited. The job won’t start till the middle of January so I have a few more weak to enjoy with my baby.
Christmas is great I got to spend it with some family and my son. It was definitely a lot better than last years Christmas. Holidays are getting just a little bit more manageable. But Christmas didn’t come without drama.
Couple days before Christmas I was out shopping late so I called my sons dad and ask if you could say one more night with him. He recently moved out of his apartment and was supposed to move in with his brother temporarily. Well that night I found out that he decided to move in with his girlfriend. I was upset, because I’m not that comfortable with my son living with someone he’s only known for a couple of months.
I was actually surprised. We’ve only been divorced since March. But anyway, at the end of our conversation I asked to speak with my son. The second I asked he tried to get off the phone with me. I know when he’s lying. He said that my son was in the car with his girlfriend. So I asked him again where my son was. And that’s what he told me he left him alone at the apartment . With his girlfriend.
I couldn’t believe that he would be so dumb as to leave our 2.5 yo son with someone who he has only known for a few months and who has not really been around my kiddo. I couldn’t even talk to him. I hung the phone and I was so angry and upset. Call me a crazy overprotective mom there a lot of crazy people out there that do really sick hurtful things to kids.
I hung up the phone with him. And he call me back a couple of times and left some crazy messages saying that he trusted her and that I just needed to get over it. I know that he’s moving on, but its so hard to trust someone that you don’t even know to be around your baby. We haven’t spoken since.
Had a long chat with my parents. They listen to me and all that I had to say and then give me their wonderful words of wisdom. That I just have to trust that I have to trust him. And that I have to trust God first and foremost for his safety.
I don’t know what to do. I really feel like I should talk to her. But honestly I don’t even know what to say to her. Besides the fact that I would rain all types of Hell on her if she ever hurt my baby. 😦