The fall update

Let me first start by saying thank you to those who still follow.  It’s been a while since I’ve written but it’s not for lack of material.  Life has just been crazy.

It official now, I’m now a mom of a four year old.  Where has the time gone?  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was praying for a positive pregnancy test.  Sometimes i look at him and wonder how I was so lucky to be his mom.  He is smart and caring.  He has an a amazing imagination and is so creative.  I cant believe that in less than a year he will be a kindergartner.  I hope and pray that I am leading him in the right direction.  I have to admit that sometimes I fear that I’m lacking something, that not having his father under the same roof will somehow change who he should have been.  Hopefully that will change soon. But speaking of men…I met a guy!

Yes there’s a guy, I guess that explains a little of my absences as well. He’s really great. ..but more about him later.

I don’t know how I got this far. But my heart is happy. I’m at peace with the way things my life have turned out.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

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Sunday purge

So I’ve been wanting to write for a couple of weeks now. But my stupid laptop was not cooperating with me. Anyway, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. My baby is turning 4 years old in a month, and for the past couple of weeks he’s been asking me for a baby brother. I don’t even know what to say to him. The first time he asked me I wanted to break down and cry. 

When I got married envision my life with maybe 3 kids.  I grew up in a pretty big family and I loved it.  I wanted the same for my son. We struggle to conceive but hoped that one day we will be able to try IVF again or adopt.   Well we see how that turned out.  I feel guilty and heartbroken.   I wish I could give him what he so genuinely wants.  It’s hard not to wish that someone would just come into my life and give me that family I had hoped for.  Maybe one day….Who knows.

On another note I went to go drop my son off today to his dad, and there was a picture of him and his new girlfriend on his bar. I had always wondered if he was seeing her  while we were dating and trying to work things out. So I asked him. and I got the answer I was expecting. He said they were not dating, but that they were hanging out and that the time that I came over TWO weeks after we had broken up she was the one that was there with him..with her son…and thier luggage. This made me sad and mad and frustrated all of the same time. I was sad that I had trusted this person, and the things he was telling me about bringing our family back together, and he chose instead to do things behind my back and lie. I was mad because I had allowed it all. I was hurt because it seems so unfair that he has someone to come home too, to talk to and to do all those new love things with.

I know that tomorrow I’ll feel better.  I’ll remember that she’s better off with him than I am and that one day I’ll have love, real love, the kind that doesn’t doesn’t hurt that doesn’t lie that doesn’t cheat the kind that doesn’t fizzle away.  

But tonight.  I will be sad.

Tomorrow will be better.

Happiness

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Dear Judah,

Your birthday is only two months away baby.  I cannot believe how big you are getting. We went to the park and you were picking flowers for me. I love you more than any words I could ever use. You are so kind and caring and I’m proud to be your mommy.

Life has calmed down so much. We are happy. You are happy. Your favorite thing to say is -I was thinking about you mommy- you definitely know how to melt my heart. Years ago I was so scared about raising you without your daddy in the same house.

But today I’m proud to say that we got this. I would not trade the time I have with you for anything in the world.

Favorite food- sausage and eggs, you could eat this everyday. For every meal.

Favorite song- Centuries by FallOutBoy

Favorite place to sleep- “in my back” as you say. You love to curl up behind me in my bed. You sneak in almost every night. I pretend that I mind but I actually love having you sleeping next to me.

I love you! I love the person I’ve become because of you.

♥ mommy

Baby fever

After my son was born I pretty much settled my heart on only having one child.  Not because I only wanted one but because we struggled to have Judah.   After trying for a couple of years,  we turned to IVF for help. According to an IVF calculator our chances for a pregnancy the first time was 32%, that number dropped to 10%-20% being that there was only one egg being transferred.  

I was terrified.   I used to lie awake at night praying,  hoping that everything was okay early on in the pregnancy.   Because of all that we went through we decided that we would adopt. 

Fast forward to now.  Im divorced.   Not dating anyone.   Ha, there’s not even someone on the radar.   But the other night I was sitting with my almost 4 year old son and he turns and asks me if he could have a brother.  😦  my heart broke.  I grew up in a big family and loved it.  I feel bad that he doesn’t have any siblings.   I wish he did.  I see him sometimes in his room playing by himself and I wish he had someone to giggle with, to be his side kick, to grow old with. 

Who knows.  Maybe one day, hopefully soon, I’ll meet that gentle man that will love me and maybe give me that big family I’ve always wanted. 

Monday ramblings

This weekend was valentines day and im happy to say that I survived.   Woohoo.  My day consisted of being with the ones I love.  Breakfast with my parents.   Girl time…. watched 50 shades of Grey. And ended the night at home.  Alone and happy.   I am so greatful for what I havr accomplished, what God has changed in my life and what He has allowed to change me.

Two years ago I was a different person.   I was broken, betrayed, worn and very unhappy.   I held my head high on the outside and used up every ounce of my strength to stay strong for my baby.   When he went to his dad’s house I would cry myself to sleep.  I was in a dark tunnel with no end in sight.   Everything seemed impossible.   You see, I come from a family of marriages.  It’s what I had always wanted.   A husband,  a few babies,  a home, ect.  I dreamed of a beautiful life of traveling and late night chats.  I dreamed that the man I would marry would hold my heart forever.   Through the thick and thin we would fight on.

Then everything died.

It was stripped away from me.   I mourned deeply because all that I had wanted had walked out of the door.  My dreams dragging behind him.  The thought of someone else hurt, the thought of dating,  moving on, seeing him with someone new, and the thought of lost love hurt.  The thought of my son having step parents hurt.  The thought of finding love again hurt.  The thought of being alone hurt.  Everything. Even my physical body hurt.

Days turned into weeks; weeks turned into months then into years.  Just as the time passed so did the pain and the uncertainty.   I am so happy now.  I mean I have my not so great days but  I have a plan. The light at the end of the tunnel is now shining bright on my face.    I am blessed with a beautiful son and everyday has something to be thankful for. I look forward to the future, to finishing what I started,  to learning and growing,  to loving and I look forward to finding someone who will love me like I deserve.   ♥

Tequila Tuesday

We laugh at work and joke about bringing tequila to make mixed drinks… you know to relieve the stress.  Ha.  Well, lemme tell you today would have been a perfect day for a drink.  It started this morning when I woke up a little late.  Getting out of the door on time with a 3 year old is tough but we managed to only be running 3 minutes behind.  Started the car… gasoline on empty.  Dropped my baby off…. stopped at the gas station and used my last $20 bucks for gas.  This put me about….anoooootheerrrr 10 minutes behind schedule.  Which only meant that I would NOT have time to do my makeup on the parking lot. LOL.  Yes i know, who does that?  Okay so you see how my day is going so far.

Mmmm about 2 hours into my day I go to the restroom and my fucking zipper breaks.  Yes breaks!  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk!  I ravaged my desk for some safety pins.  2 score.  At least my pants would stay up.

For the rest of the day i had to pin and unpin my pants every time i had to pee.  Deep breath…savor the moments…brush off the little things blah blah blah.

Lunch time.  Realize I left my homemade chicken soup in my car. Wallet-$0. Ritz crackers and water for lunch.

My son was scheduled to be picked up by his grandfather today.  Maybe I should have made myself a damn note that I SWITCHED DAYS TO FRIDAY!!! How did I remember do you ask…. when the daycare called and asked if everything was okay because my son was there.  The last kid left.

MY BABY!!!  I felt like the worst mother! The worst mother ever.  My son got into the car and was like ‘mommy you was late…I was missing you’.  Knife to the heart.

Anyway, that was my day.  In it’s shitty glory.  Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

Letting go…for real this time

March will mark the two year anniversary of my divorce.   I can’t believe that I made it through.   But here I am.  Living.   Happy.  Blessed.  for the most part at least.  

A few months ago my ex decided that he wanted to try and see if things could work out between us.  He swore that he was genuine and that he really missed me….ect.  I was reluctant at first only because it took me so long to get over the pain of our divorce but I decided that for the sake of my son.  I would give it one last try.   Things started off a little rocky at first just because we’ve been separated for so long and really didn’t know how to act around each other.  But things were going good.  Or so I thought.   Fast forward to now…. we are no longer together.   Again.  Too many things have changed and too many things have not and I am okay with that. 

Im happy with where I am.  With who I am.  I will no wait for him to grow up.  I will not force things.  I will not be with someone who doesn’t show me the love I know I deserve.   I will move forward.   I will fall in love one day.