The Hurt and the Healer

Today I’m feeling like my brain is on over load.  I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks, I promised myself that I would keep up with blogging.  So here is a little about everything that’s been on my mind.

1. JOB– still no job.  I’ve been applying everywhere, and nothing.  I’m getting so impatient.  Praying and hoping for something really soon.  With the holidays just around the corner I’m feeling a little bummed, this whole trusting God thing is soooo not easy.

2. LOSING WEIGHT–  I’ve been trying for the past several months to change the way that I eat and exercise.  I got on the scale this morning and I have not gained any weight in the last several days.  YAY.  I haven’t been working out at all 😦 which is NOT helping with the whole feeling bummed out feeling.  But YAY again…. no weight gain.

3. CO-PARENTING– I hate this whole, co-parenting thing.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so very very thankful that my sons father is very involved and helps me with anything that I need for our little boy, but man do I hate not being able to see him on the weekends.  I miss him like crazy!  My apartment is so quiet, everything in its place. No Dora the Explorer blaring in the background.  I hate it.  The quietness drives me nuts.

4. RELEARNING WHAT I KNOW ABOUT MEN-  A couple of weeks ago I got ‘Think Like a Lady, Act Like a Man’.  I picked it up with some skepticism, thinking okay, I know men.  What in heavens can this book add to my expertise on men.  Well, I’ve read the book and I have to say, I learned a few things.  (that’s a blog for tomorrow) But I can say that I’ve changed the game plan.  I’m not going to settle, even if that means waiting a little longer for a good man. 🙂

5. HEALING–  I am allowing my self to heal.  After my separation and eventually divorce , I had to be strong, I had to stand, to put on a tough face and stand when all I wanted to do was to crawl into a small hole and just die.  I had a moment a couple of weeks ago, I was praying and I just started to cry.  And it was such a release.  I cried because sometimes things are hard, I cried because sometimes being alone is lonely.  I cried because I don’t always have it together and I cried because I looked back on the past year and even though it didn’t feel like it at the time, I know God was moving, healing, caring for, and loving me all the while.

I love this song.  It describes how Ive felt in the past and still do at times.  All I can do is thank God for carrying me through these times.

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Breaking up

Two months ago I met a man that I will call j.r. We met on the online site and hit it off right off the bat. He is single dad with 3 kids. We seem to have so much in common and over the past several weeks we spoke everyday.  Things went a little faster than I expected and I was having feeling for this person and vice versa.  

This was the first time in a long time that I actually was excited about someone.   I let my guard down and allowed myself to get lost in the idea of being with someone.  

Well because ofour schedule and the schedule with our kids we decided to wait to meet this coming Saturday at a concert.  Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea.  Fast forward to tonight, and we just “broke up” which I dont even know if you can do that if you have never met.  

For the past several days he had been a little standoffish and I could tell that he was not himself.  So I called him tonight and asked him to be honest with me.  And that he did.  He said that he was going through some things and was not ready for a relationship.   That he didn’t think that he or his kids were ready for someone long term. He said he was not trying to be cliche but that it was not me but him. I appreciate his honesty though. I would have rather know now then 6 months down the line.

So I guess you can say that this is one of those you win some you lose some kind of moment. Honestly, I don’t know what could have been. But if it’s one thing that I’ve learned is that you cannot force someone to be with you if they don’t want to. So here I am again in this single boat.  And im okay with that.  

I’m old enough to understand that sometimes things just don’t work out. That sometimes relationships don’t blossom because they were never meant to be in the first place.

Over the past several months I’ve learned that I have a lot to offer someone. Today I am patient, and I will wait on the Lord. I know He will bring me exactly what I need and exactly what my son needs. For that I am grateful.