Thanksgiving 2015

Happy Thanksgiving ya’ll!!!  It’s been almost 5 years that I started blogging.  Crazy how quickly time goes by.  This years been full if surprises,  mostly good ones.  I’ll be moving this weekend.   This new place will be new and exciting.  Somewhere I planned versus somewhere I just ended up in.  The moving part is killing me but I’m ready to start a new chapter.   Ill be closer to my family and to my boyfriend.  Ahhhh…..

Remember I said I met a guy.  Well this month marks 7 months that we’ve been together.  Is it lame to keep count? Anyway,  long story short, we met on tinder this past summer.  Tinder of all places.  I never would’ve guessed that I would meet someone I could actually fall in love with.

He is the sweetest man.  Not like that cheesy I’ll-feed-you-bullshit kinda sweet, but that genuine I care for you, I adore you kinda sweet.  The strange part is, he doesn’t look the part.  He’s quiet, reserved and to others may come off as an asshole or to “good” to talk to you, but I found this other said.   The side that holds my face and tells me he loves me.  The side that catches him staring at me while he’s trying to hide his grin.  The side that would run to my aide at the mention of needing help.  It feels genuine.  Free.  Full of hope and love.  I feel so lucky.  Things are easy. Conversation flows like water and even in silence there’s a comfort in just being next to each other.  And the sex….well it’s pretty amazing. Like really really good ya’ll. 

Sometimes it feels a little surreal.  He met Judah last month and I met his kiddos this month.  I wanted to wait a while to make sure we protected the hearts of the kiddos.  My kiddo loves him and he seems to get along well with Judah.  His kiddos are teenagers, sweet and well mannered.   I try to play it cool but deep down I want them to like me.  I’ve given them thier space and moved slowly to give them time to get used to me.  All of this makes me so happy.  

Im excited to see what 2016 has in store for us.  Till next time.

Angela

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The fall update

Let me first start by saying thank you to those who still follow.  It’s been a while since I’ve written but it’s not for lack of material.  Life has just been crazy.

It official now, I’m now a mom of a four year old.  Where has the time gone?  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was praying for a positive pregnancy test.  Sometimes i look at him and wonder how I was so lucky to be his mom.  He is smart and caring.  He has an a amazing imagination and is so creative.  I cant believe that in less than a year he will be a kindergartner.  I hope and pray that I am leading him in the right direction.  I have to admit that sometimes I fear that I’m lacking something, that not having his father under the same roof will somehow change who he should have been.  Hopefully that will change soon. But speaking of men…I met a guy!

Yes there’s a guy, I guess that explains a little of my absences as well. He’s really great. ..but more about him later.

I don’t know how I got this far. But my heart is happy. I’m at peace with the way things my life have turned out.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Monday ramblings

This weekend was valentines day and im happy to say that I survived.   Woohoo.  My day consisted of being with the ones I love.  Breakfast with my parents.   Girl time…. watched 50 shades of Grey. And ended the night at home.  Alone and happy.   I am so greatful for what I havr accomplished, what God has changed in my life and what He has allowed to change me.

Two years ago I was a different person.   I was broken, betrayed, worn and very unhappy.   I held my head high on the outside and used up every ounce of my strength to stay strong for my baby.   When he went to his dad’s house I would cry myself to sleep.  I was in a dark tunnel with no end in sight.   Everything seemed impossible.   You see, I come from a family of marriages.  It’s what I had always wanted.   A husband,  a few babies,  a home, ect.  I dreamed of a beautiful life of traveling and late night chats.  I dreamed that the man I would marry would hold my heart forever.   Through the thick and thin we would fight on.

Then everything died.

It was stripped away from me.   I mourned deeply because all that I had wanted had walked out of the door.  My dreams dragging behind him.  The thought of someone else hurt, the thought of dating,  moving on, seeing him with someone new, and the thought of lost love hurt.  The thought of my son having step parents hurt.  The thought of finding love again hurt.  The thought of being alone hurt.  Everything. Even my physical body hurt.

Days turned into weeks; weeks turned into months then into years.  Just as the time passed so did the pain and the uncertainty.   I am so happy now.  I mean I have my not so great days but  I have a plan. The light at the end of the tunnel is now shining bright on my face.    I am blessed with a beautiful son and everyday has something to be thankful for. I look forward to the future, to finishing what I started,  to learning and growing,  to loving and I look forward to finding someone who will love me like I deserve.   ♥

He moved in with her!!!!

Well get to the moving in part in a sec. First off great news, I got a job offer! I received a call the end of last week and I am so excited. The job won’t start till the middle of January so I have a few more weak to enjoy with my baby.

Christmas is great I got to spend it with some family and my son. It was definitely a lot better than last years Christmas.  Holidays are getting just a little bit more manageable. But Christmas didn’t come without drama.

Couple days before Christmas I was out shopping late so I called my sons dad and ask if you could say one more night with him. He recently moved out of his apartment and was supposed to move in with his brother temporarily. Well that night I found out that he decided to move in with his girlfriend. I was upset, because I’m not that comfortable with my son living with someone he’s only known for a couple of months.

I was actually surprised. We’ve only been divorced since March. But anyway, at the end of our conversation I asked to speak with my son. The second I asked he tried to get off the phone with me. I know when he’s lying. He said that my son was in the car with his girlfriend. So I asked him again where my son was. And that’s what he told me he left him alone at the apartment . With his girlfriend.

I.was.livid.

I couldn’t believe that he would be so dumb as to leave our 2.5 yo son with someone who he has only known for a few months and who has not really been around my kiddo.  I couldn’t even talk to him. I hung the phone and I was so angry and upset. Call me a crazy overprotective mom there a lot of crazy people out there that do really sick hurtful things to kids.

I hung up the phone with him. And he call me back a couple of times and left some crazy messages saying that he trusted her and that I just needed to get over it. I know that he’s moving on, but its so hard to trust someone that you don’t even know to be around your baby.  We haven’t spoken since.

Had a long chat with my parents.  They listen to me and all that I had to say and then give me their wonderful words of wisdom. That I just have to trust that I have to trust him. And that I have to trust God first and foremost for his safety.

I don’t know what to do. I really feel  like I should talk to her. But honestly I don’t even know what to say to her. Besides the fact that I would rain all types of Hell on her if she ever hurt my baby. 😦

I met the new girlfriend…and this heifer wanted a hug!

When we divorced, we promised that if there was someone who was serious enough to bring around our son that we would introduce this person to one another.  Yes, I know that this may seem a little weird to some but in my defense, my son is still little.  He was only a year and a half old when we separated.  I really was nervous about having him around someone being that he was so little and couldn’t really vocalize if he was being hurt in any way.

Two weekends ago my son came home as usual, then ran to the window at our balcony and was yelling “daddy..jj..daddy..jj”.  And I was like ‘oh helllllll no’ my baby has been around some woman enough to remember her name.  My son is two and a half.  Anyway later that day I messaged my ex and asked if there was someone that my son has been around lately named JJmand he said that this woman was a friend… but later said that she was a girlfriend and that she had met my son. I asked if I could meet her, just to see her face, to give  her that “if you touch my baby there will be hell to pay look”.  I wanted her to know that I was in the picture.

Last week I went for an interview (I looked great…hair curled, makeup done and most importantly there were no Cheetos hand prints on my shirt from a two year old)   After the interview I went to pick up some money from my sons dad.  We agreed to meet down the street and he let me know that he would be bringing his girlfriend so we could meet and in his words” get to know each other and say whats up”.  -.- Ummmm how about no.  I just needed her to see my face and for her to know I could go bat shit crazy on her if need be.  Okay so I’m sitting there in the parking lot of a QuickTrip waiting on him.  I was nervous.  I wanted to drive away.  I wasn’t ready for this yet but here I was.  So they pull up, we stay in our cars and he gives me the money.  “this is jj…” to which I reply a very generic nice to meet you.  Her reply; (in a very annoying, overly excited, we’re going to be BFFs voice) oh hi… nice to meet you!! I wish we were out of the car so I could hug you… I’m a hugger!!!  WHAT THE HELL!! I’m a puncher bioch so back the hell up.  It must have been the look I gave her that made her sit back in her seat.

I mean who does that??? Really.  I quickly said goodbye and drove away.  I was annoyed.  I didn’t know if she was just being a jerk or if she really is that dumb to think that I would greet her with open arms.

Awkward meetings – 1

On a more positive note, the interview went great!!

 

 

Help me!!! I’m drowning

It’s 11 o’clock pm here in Texas.  I just came back from the grocery store, I’ve been stuck in my apartment for the past day and a half.  Winter storm of 2013 brought sheets of unforgiving ice and pretty much shut down north Texas.  Well, this nice little storm has allowed me to have some quiet time with myself (my son has been with his dad for the past several days).  With nothing to do my mind has been on overload.

I will start with what happened today while it’s fresh on my mind.  I was talking with my sons dad and he mentioned his girlfriend giving him advice about my son.  Side note–My sons dad and I separated in September 2012 and our divorce was finalized in March 2013.  One of the things that I’ve struggled with the most is that my ex-husband started dating soon after we separated.  When he asked for a divorce I specifically asked him to wait to date until after our divorce was final out of respect for me.  He agreed, saying that he would never ever think of doing such a thing.  This is not what happened.  Over and over again during our separation I caught him in lies and caught him lying about going out with other women.  This would not have bothered me so much if (1) he didn’t pretend that he was still interested in making things work (2) he didn’t ask me to wait on money for my son when he was out spending this money on dates (3) he didn’t lie directly to my face or (4) that I was trying everything that I knew to do to salvage our relationship.

Fast forward to tonight.  This month marks the one year anniversary of the month that we divorced.  From the moment that I found out that he was out dating I questioned EVERYTHING.  I felt to worthless.  I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he didn’t want anything to do with me and I have always wondered when he started dating.  So tonight, I asked him.

Honestly, I wasn’t surprised at his answer.  He said that sometime around when we first separated he created a POF account and started dating.  Soon after that he said that he created a match account.  He followed this by stating that he didn’t cheat on me.  -.- I’m sorry.  If you are married and dating, that’s cheating in my book.  Recently, he has been dating this woman.  From what I know they have been together for a couple of months.  Parents have been introduced and she has also met my son.

Saying all of this, welcome to my pity party.  I feel like a five year old, wanting to throw a tantrum.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t want him back.  I did in the beginning but I realized over time that he didn’t want to be with me long before we got a divorce.  Why chase something or someone who doesn’t want you, right?  But I feel that I should have someone too.  I guess you can say I’m feeling a little jealous that he has someone to talk to, to date, to kiss, to hug and so on.  It seems a little unfair. No?

Please, I’m still a rookie at this whole divorced thing.  Any advice is appriciated. 🙂

I found my love on an online dating site!!!

Hahaha!!! Just kidding.  I haven’t found “Mr.Right”.  I have been on a popular online dating site for a few weeks now.  From those two weeks I’ve gotten one date with Mr. Inappropriate and have a potential date for this Sat.

Here is my frustration with this whole online dating thing.   It’s NOTHING like the commercials.  You know, the one where the couple is sitting across from each other in some romantic restaurant …laughing.  LOL  nothing like that.  At least not for me.  

This is what I’ve learned so far. There are a lot of men that don’t seem to have it all together yet. I thought by trying to find a someone in his early to mid 30’s, I would find someone that was a little more grounded and ready for something a little more serious then just screwing around. The last few men that have message me or that I have gone on a date with all live with either a parent or a roommate. Don’t get me wrong I understand that sometimes life happens and moving in with someone temporarily is the only solution. But a man living with mom just isn’t going to fly with me.

So most nights I just sit and stare at my screen. Check my emails, and check the list of guys that have a few need that day and wonder why in the world would someone view my profile over and over but not send a message. One would think that the keyboard would be similar to liquid courage and all shyness would dissipate. {deep sigh} But I guess true love is not in the stars for me yet or at least not today.

Who knows maybe Mr. Right is filling out his online profile as we speak. Lol. Then again maybe not.