The fall update

Let me first start by saying thank you to those who still follow.  It’s been a while since I’ve written but it’s not for lack of material.  Life has just been crazy.

It official now, I’m now a mom of a four year old.  Where has the time gone?  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was praying for a positive pregnancy test.  Sometimes i look at him and wonder how I was so lucky to be his mom.  He is smart and caring.  He has an a amazing imagination and is so creative.  I cant believe that in less than a year he will be a kindergartner.  I hope and pray that I am leading him in the right direction.  I have to admit that sometimes I fear that I’m lacking something, that not having his father under the same roof will somehow change who he should have been.  Hopefully that will change soon. But speaking of men…I met a guy!

Yes there’s a guy, I guess that explains a little of my absences as well. He’s really great. ..but more about him later.

I don’t know how I got this far. But my heart is happy. I’m at peace with the way things my life have turned out.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Sunday purge

So I’ve been wanting to write for a couple of weeks now. But my stupid laptop was not cooperating with me. Anyway, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. My baby is turning 4 years old in a month, and for the past couple of weeks he’s been asking me for a baby brother. I don’t even know what to say to him. The first time he asked me I wanted to break down and cry. 

When I got married envision my life with maybe 3 kids.  I grew up in a pretty big family and I loved it.  I wanted the same for my son. We struggle to conceive but hoped that one day we will be able to try IVF again or adopt.   Well we see how that turned out.  I feel guilty and heartbroken.   I wish I could give him what he so genuinely wants.  It’s hard not to wish that someone would just come into my life and give me that family I had hoped for.  Maybe one day….Who knows.

On another note I went to go drop my son off today to his dad, and there was a picture of him and his new girlfriend on his bar. I had always wondered if he was seeing her  while we were dating and trying to work things out. So I asked him. and I got the answer I was expecting. He said they were not dating, but that they were hanging out and that the time that I came over TWO weeks after we had broken up she was the one that was there with him..with her son…and thier luggage. This made me sad and mad and frustrated all of the same time. I was sad that I had trusted this person, and the things he was telling me about bringing our family back together, and he chose instead to do things behind my back and lie. I was mad because I had allowed it all. I was hurt because it seems so unfair that he has someone to come home too, to talk to and to do all those new love things with.

I know that tomorrow I’ll feel better.  I’ll remember that she’s better off with him than I am and that one day I’ll have love, real love, the kind that doesn’t doesn’t hurt that doesn’t lie that doesn’t cheat the kind that doesn’t fizzle away.  

But tonight.  I will be sad.

Tomorrow will be better.

Baby fever

After my son was born I pretty much settled my heart on only having one child.  Not because I only wanted one but because we struggled to have Judah.   After trying for a couple of years,  we turned to IVF for help. According to an IVF calculator our chances for a pregnancy the first time was 32%, that number dropped to 10%-20% being that there was only one egg being transferred.  

I was terrified.   I used to lie awake at night praying,  hoping that everything was okay early on in the pregnancy.   Because of all that we went through we decided that we would adopt. 

Fast forward to now.  Im divorced.   Not dating anyone.   Ha, there’s not even someone on the radar.   But the other night I was sitting with my almost 4 year old son and he turns and asks me if he could have a brother.  😦  my heart broke.  I grew up in a big family and loved it.  I feel bad that he doesn’t have any siblings.   I wish he did.  I see him sometimes in his room playing by himself and I wish he had someone to giggle with, to be his side kick, to grow old with. 

Who knows.  Maybe one day, hopefully soon, I’ll meet that gentle man that will love me and maybe give me that big family I’ve always wanted. 

Monday ramblings

This weekend was valentines day and im happy to say that I survived.   Woohoo.  My day consisted of being with the ones I love.  Breakfast with my parents.   Girl time…. watched 50 shades of Grey. And ended the night at home.  Alone and happy.   I am so greatful for what I havr accomplished, what God has changed in my life and what He has allowed to change me.

Two years ago I was a different person.   I was broken, betrayed, worn and very unhappy.   I held my head high on the outside and used up every ounce of my strength to stay strong for my baby.   When he went to his dad’s house I would cry myself to sleep.  I was in a dark tunnel with no end in sight.   Everything seemed impossible.   You see, I come from a family of marriages.  It’s what I had always wanted.   A husband,  a few babies,  a home, ect.  I dreamed of a beautiful life of traveling and late night chats.  I dreamed that the man I would marry would hold my heart forever.   Through the thick and thin we would fight on.

Then everything died.

It was stripped away from me.   I mourned deeply because all that I had wanted had walked out of the door.  My dreams dragging behind him.  The thought of someone else hurt, the thought of dating,  moving on, seeing him with someone new, and the thought of lost love hurt.  The thought of my son having step parents hurt.  The thought of finding love again hurt.  The thought of being alone hurt.  Everything. Even my physical body hurt.

Days turned into weeks; weeks turned into months then into years.  Just as the time passed so did the pain and the uncertainty.   I am so happy now.  I mean I have my not so great days but  I have a plan. The light at the end of the tunnel is now shining bright on my face.    I am blessed with a beautiful son and everyday has something to be thankful for. I look forward to the future, to finishing what I started,  to learning and growing,  to loving and I look forward to finding someone who will love me like I deserve.   ♥

Help me!!! I’m drowning

It’s 11 o’clock pm here in Texas.  I just came back from the grocery store, I’ve been stuck in my apartment for the past day and a half.  Winter storm of 2013 brought sheets of unforgiving ice and pretty much shut down north Texas.  Well, this nice little storm has allowed me to have some quiet time with myself (my son has been with his dad for the past several days).  With nothing to do my mind has been on overload.

I will start with what happened today while it’s fresh on my mind.  I was talking with my sons dad and he mentioned his girlfriend giving him advice about my son.  Side note–My sons dad and I separated in September 2012 and our divorce was finalized in March 2013.  One of the things that I’ve struggled with the most is that my ex-husband started dating soon after we separated.  When he asked for a divorce I specifically asked him to wait to date until after our divorce was final out of respect for me.  He agreed, saying that he would never ever think of doing such a thing.  This is not what happened.  Over and over again during our separation I caught him in lies and caught him lying about going out with other women.  This would not have bothered me so much if (1) he didn’t pretend that he was still interested in making things work (2) he didn’t ask me to wait on money for my son when he was out spending this money on dates (3) he didn’t lie directly to my face or (4) that I was trying everything that I knew to do to salvage our relationship.

Fast forward to tonight.  This month marks the one year anniversary of the month that we divorced.  From the moment that I found out that he was out dating I questioned EVERYTHING.  I felt to worthless.  I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he didn’t want anything to do with me and I have always wondered when he started dating.  So tonight, I asked him.

Honestly, I wasn’t surprised at his answer.  He said that sometime around when we first separated he created a POF account and started dating.  Soon after that he said that he created a match account.  He followed this by stating that he didn’t cheat on me.  -.- I’m sorry.  If you are married and dating, that’s cheating in my book.  Recently, he has been dating this woman.  From what I know they have been together for a couple of months.  Parents have been introduced and she has also met my son.

Saying all of this, welcome to my pity party.  I feel like a five year old, wanting to throw a tantrum.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t want him back.  I did in the beginning but I realized over time that he didn’t want to be with me long before we got a divorce.  Why chase something or someone who doesn’t want you, right?  But I feel that I should have someone too.  I guess you can say I’m feeling a little jealous that he has someone to talk to, to date, to kiss, to hug and so on.  It seems a little unfair. No?

Please, I’m still a rookie at this whole divorced thing.  Any advice is appriciated. 🙂

The Hurt and the Healer

Today I’m feeling like my brain is on over load.  I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks, I promised myself that I would keep up with blogging.  So here is a little about everything that’s been on my mind.

1. JOB– still no job.  I’ve been applying everywhere, and nothing.  I’m getting so impatient.  Praying and hoping for something really soon.  With the holidays just around the corner I’m feeling a little bummed, this whole trusting God thing is soooo not easy.

2. LOSING WEIGHT–  I’ve been trying for the past several months to change the way that I eat and exercise.  I got on the scale this morning and I have not gained any weight in the last several days.  YAY.  I haven’t been working out at all 😦 which is NOT helping with the whole feeling bummed out feeling.  But YAY again…. no weight gain.

3. CO-PARENTING– I hate this whole, co-parenting thing.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so very very thankful that my sons father is very involved and helps me with anything that I need for our little boy, but man do I hate not being able to see him on the weekends.  I miss him like crazy!  My apartment is so quiet, everything in its place. No Dora the Explorer blaring in the background.  I hate it.  The quietness drives me nuts.

4. RELEARNING WHAT I KNOW ABOUT MEN-  A couple of weeks ago I got ‘Think Like a Lady, Act Like a Man’.  I picked it up with some skepticism, thinking okay, I know men.  What in heavens can this book add to my expertise on men.  Well, I’ve read the book and I have to say, I learned a few things.  (that’s a blog for tomorrow) But I can say that I’ve changed the game plan.  I’m not going to settle, even if that means waiting a little longer for a good man. 🙂

5. HEALING–  I am allowing my self to heal.  After my separation and eventually divorce , I had to be strong, I had to stand, to put on a tough face and stand when all I wanted to do was to crawl into a small hole and just die.  I had a moment a couple of weeks ago, I was praying and I just started to cry.  And it was such a release.  I cried because sometimes things are hard, I cried because sometimes being alone is lonely.  I cried because I don’t always have it together and I cried because I looked back on the past year and even though it didn’t feel like it at the time, I know God was moving, healing, caring for, and loving me all the while.

I love this song.  It describes how Ive felt in the past and still do at times.  All I can do is thank God for carrying me through these times.

Big tall glass of clarity

This month. Right around this time, a year ago, I found myself in a very dark place.  In September 2012 my husband of almost five years asked me for a divorce.  Honestly, my world shattered.  I was immediately overwhelmed with a million questions.  Why me?  What did I do so wrong?  How could I be so unlovable? Was I really that horrible of a person that my own husband wanted nothing to do with me? What am I going to do?

For weeks, that added up to months, I walked around feeling like I had been punched in the stomach.  My mind was so clouded with anger, hate, and resentment, to name a few, that I couldn’t even think straight.  I was so deeply hurt.  At that moment I just knew that I would never be able to put back together the pieces of my broken heart.  Each night I would lay awake staring at the ceiling, with tears rolling down my face, thinking about my son.  Wondering what I would tell him, wondering if he even understood what was going on.  Aside from God’s true grace, he was the one thing that kept me going.

It’s been one year now.  In this past year I have learned so much about love, life, myself, and the resiliency of my heart.  I am in a much much better place now.  Things are not always easy and sometimes they even suck a little bit but I am learning to take it all as a lesson.  It’s taken me a very long time to understand that all I really need to do is to trust God.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching these past several months and I’ve really had some clarity.  I’m ready to be a different person.  I’m ready to be the person that I have always wanted to be.  Over the years I taught myself to blame others, to blame situations, to blame God, for my life being in the shape that it has been.  But I’m realizing now that the only one responsible for me is me.  I stupidly assigned others the responsibility of making me happy.  Every time that I did someone or something let me down.  The burden laid on them.  It was their fault I was heartbroken, unhappy, angry, sad, or even happy.  I shouldered none of the responsibility.

What a horrible way to live.  No wonder I was so unhappy.  I know I don’t want to be this person anymore.  I don’t want to be this example to my son and I certainly don’t want to cast this burden on to someone else.

My prayer is that God begin to mold and shape my heart in such a way that my true happiness will be found in Him.  That I will take hold of my life and hold only myself responsible for the things that I do or don’t do.  I pray that I be the best example to my son and that one day he look back on his life and know that I did everything I knew to do to show him how much I love him.  And I pray that one day I will be able look back on my own life and know that I was the best woman, mom, wife, sister, daughter, and person that I could be.

Perhaps even one day I will sit down with my ex-husband, the father of my son, and apologize for making him carry the heavy load of being my happiness.