The fall update

Let me first start by saying thank you to those who still follow.  It’s been a while since I’ve written but it’s not for lack of material.  Life has just been crazy.

It official now, I’m now a mom of a four year old.  Where has the time gone?  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was praying for a positive pregnancy test.  Sometimes i look at him and wonder how I was so lucky to be his mom.  He is smart and caring.  He has an a amazing imagination and is so creative.  I cant believe that in less than a year he will be a kindergartner.  I hope and pray that I am leading him in the right direction.  I have to admit that sometimes I fear that I’m lacking something, that not having his father under the same roof will somehow change who he should have been.  Hopefully that will change soon. But speaking of men…I met a guy!

Yes there’s a guy, I guess that explains a little of my absences as well. He’s really great. ..but more about him later.

I don’t know how I got this far. But my heart is happy. I’m at peace with the way things my life have turned out.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

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Sunday purge

So I’ve been wanting to write for a couple of weeks now. But my stupid laptop was not cooperating with me. Anyway, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. My baby is turning 4 years old in a month, and for the past couple of weeks he’s been asking me for a baby brother. I don’t even know what to say to him. The first time he asked me I wanted to break down and cry. 

When I got married envision my life with maybe 3 kids.  I grew up in a pretty big family and I loved it.  I wanted the same for my son. We struggle to conceive but hoped that one day we will be able to try IVF again or adopt.   Well we see how that turned out.  I feel guilty and heartbroken.   I wish I could give him what he so genuinely wants.  It’s hard not to wish that someone would just come into my life and give me that family I had hoped for.  Maybe one day….Who knows.

On another note I went to go drop my son off today to his dad, and there was a picture of him and his new girlfriend on his bar. I had always wondered if he was seeing her  while we were dating and trying to work things out. So I asked him. and I got the answer I was expecting. He said they were not dating, but that they were hanging out and that the time that I came over TWO weeks after we had broken up she was the one that was there with him..with her son…and thier luggage. This made me sad and mad and frustrated all of the same time. I was sad that I had trusted this person, and the things he was telling me about bringing our family back together, and he chose instead to do things behind my back and lie. I was mad because I had allowed it all. I was hurt because it seems so unfair that he has someone to come home too, to talk to and to do all those new love things with.

I know that tomorrow I’ll feel better.  I’ll remember that she’s better off with him than I am and that one day I’ll have love, real love, the kind that doesn’t doesn’t hurt that doesn’t lie that doesn’t cheat the kind that doesn’t fizzle away.  

But tonight.  I will be sad.

Tomorrow will be better.

Baby fever

After my son was born I pretty much settled my heart on only having one child.  Not because I only wanted one but because we struggled to have Judah.   After trying for a couple of years,  we turned to IVF for help. According to an IVF calculator our chances for a pregnancy the first time was 32%, that number dropped to 10%-20% being that there was only one egg being transferred.  

I was terrified.   I used to lie awake at night praying,  hoping that everything was okay early on in the pregnancy.   Because of all that we went through we decided that we would adopt. 

Fast forward to now.  Im divorced.   Not dating anyone.   Ha, there’s not even someone on the radar.   But the other night I was sitting with my almost 4 year old son and he turns and asks me if he could have a brother.  😦  my heart broke.  I grew up in a big family and loved it.  I feel bad that he doesn’t have any siblings.   I wish he did.  I see him sometimes in his room playing by himself and I wish he had someone to giggle with, to be his side kick, to grow old with. 

Who knows.  Maybe one day, hopefully soon, I’ll meet that gentle man that will love me and maybe give me that big family I’ve always wanted. 

Monday ramblings

This weekend was valentines day and im happy to say that I survived.   Woohoo.  My day consisted of being with the ones I love.  Breakfast with my parents.   Girl time…. watched 50 shades of Grey. And ended the night at home.  Alone and happy.   I am so greatful for what I havr accomplished, what God has changed in my life and what He has allowed to change me.

Two years ago I was a different person.   I was broken, betrayed, worn and very unhappy.   I held my head high on the outside and used up every ounce of my strength to stay strong for my baby.   When he went to his dad’s house I would cry myself to sleep.  I was in a dark tunnel with no end in sight.   Everything seemed impossible.   You see, I come from a family of marriages.  It’s what I had always wanted.   A husband,  a few babies,  a home, ect.  I dreamed of a beautiful life of traveling and late night chats.  I dreamed that the man I would marry would hold my heart forever.   Through the thick and thin we would fight on.

Then everything died.

It was stripped away from me.   I mourned deeply because all that I had wanted had walked out of the door.  My dreams dragging behind him.  The thought of someone else hurt, the thought of dating,  moving on, seeing him with someone new, and the thought of lost love hurt.  The thought of my son having step parents hurt.  The thought of finding love again hurt.  The thought of being alone hurt.  Everything. Even my physical body hurt.

Days turned into weeks; weeks turned into months then into years.  Just as the time passed so did the pain and the uncertainty.   I am so happy now.  I mean I have my not so great days but  I have a plan. The light at the end of the tunnel is now shining bright on my face.    I am blessed with a beautiful son and everyday has something to be thankful for. I look forward to the future, to finishing what I started,  to learning and growing,  to loving and I look forward to finding someone who will love me like I deserve.   ♥

Letting go…for real this time

March will mark the two year anniversary of my divorce.   I can’t believe that I made it through.   But here I am.  Living.   Happy.  Blessed.  for the most part at least.  

A few months ago my ex decided that he wanted to try and see if things could work out between us.  He swore that he was genuine and that he really missed me….ect.  I was reluctant at first only because it took me so long to get over the pain of our divorce but I decided that for the sake of my son.  I would give it one last try.   Things started off a little rocky at first just because we’ve been separated for so long and really didn’t know how to act around each other.  But things were going good.  Or so I thought.   Fast forward to now…. we are no longer together.   Again.  Too many things have changed and too many things have not and I am okay with that. 

Im happy with where I am.  With who I am.  I will no wait for him to grow up.  I will not force things.  I will not be with someone who doesn’t show me the love I know I deserve.   I will move forward.   I will fall in love one day.

He moved in with her!!!!

Well get to the moving in part in a sec. First off great news, I got a job offer! I received a call the end of last week and I am so excited. The job won’t start till the middle of January so I have a few more weak to enjoy with my baby.

Christmas is great I got to spend it with some family and my son. It was definitely a lot better than last years Christmas.  Holidays are getting just a little bit more manageable. But Christmas didn’t come without drama.

Couple days before Christmas I was out shopping late so I called my sons dad and ask if you could say one more night with him. He recently moved out of his apartment and was supposed to move in with his brother temporarily. Well that night I found out that he decided to move in with his girlfriend. I was upset, because I’m not that comfortable with my son living with someone he’s only known for a couple of months.

I was actually surprised. We’ve only been divorced since March. But anyway, at the end of our conversation I asked to speak with my son. The second I asked he tried to get off the phone with me. I know when he’s lying. He said that my son was in the car with his girlfriend. So I asked him again where my son was. And that’s what he told me he left him alone at the apartment . With his girlfriend.

I.was.livid.

I couldn’t believe that he would be so dumb as to leave our 2.5 yo son with someone who he has only known for a few months and who has not really been around my kiddo.  I couldn’t even talk to him. I hung the phone and I was so angry and upset. Call me a crazy overprotective mom there a lot of crazy people out there that do really sick hurtful things to kids.

I hung up the phone with him. And he call me back a couple of times and left some crazy messages saying that he trusted her and that I just needed to get over it. I know that he’s moving on, but its so hard to trust someone that you don’t even know to be around your baby.  We haven’t spoken since.

Had a long chat with my parents.  They listen to me and all that I had to say and then give me their wonderful words of wisdom. That I just have to trust that I have to trust him. And that I have to trust God first and foremost for his safety.

I don’t know what to do. I really feel  like I should talk to her. But honestly I don’t even know what to say to her. Besides the fact that I would rain all types of Hell on her if she ever hurt my baby. 😦

I met the new girlfriend…and this heifer wanted a hug!

When we divorced, we promised that if there was someone who was serious enough to bring around our son that we would introduce this person to one another.  Yes, I know that this may seem a little weird to some but in my defense, my son is still little.  He was only a year and a half old when we separated.  I really was nervous about having him around someone being that he was so little and couldn’t really vocalize if he was being hurt in any way.

Two weekends ago my son came home as usual, then ran to the window at our balcony and was yelling “daddy..jj..daddy..jj”.  And I was like ‘oh helllllll no’ my baby has been around some woman enough to remember her name.  My son is two and a half.  Anyway later that day I messaged my ex and asked if there was someone that my son has been around lately named JJmand he said that this woman was a friend… but later said that she was a girlfriend and that she had met my son. I asked if I could meet her, just to see her face, to give  her that “if you touch my baby there will be hell to pay look”.  I wanted her to know that I was in the picture.

Last week I went for an interview (I looked great…hair curled, makeup done and most importantly there were no Cheetos hand prints on my shirt from a two year old)   After the interview I went to pick up some money from my sons dad.  We agreed to meet down the street and he let me know that he would be bringing his girlfriend so we could meet and in his words” get to know each other and say whats up”.  -.- Ummmm how about no.  I just needed her to see my face and for her to know I could go bat shit crazy on her if need be.  Okay so I’m sitting there in the parking lot of a QuickTrip waiting on him.  I was nervous.  I wanted to drive away.  I wasn’t ready for this yet but here I was.  So they pull up, we stay in our cars and he gives me the money.  “this is jj…” to which I reply a very generic nice to meet you.  Her reply; (in a very annoying, overly excited, we’re going to be BFFs voice) oh hi… nice to meet you!! I wish we were out of the car so I could hug you… I’m a hugger!!!  WHAT THE HELL!! I’m a puncher bioch so back the hell up.  It must have been the look I gave her that made her sit back in her seat.

I mean who does that??? Really.  I quickly said goodbye and drove away.  I was annoyed.  I didn’t know if she was just being a jerk or if she really is that dumb to think that I would greet her with open arms.

Awkward meetings – 1

On a more positive note, the interview went great!!