Happy seventh birthday Judah. I wish that I could stop time sometimes. You are growing so fast and sometimes it makes me a little bit sad. I hope you know just how much I love you and how very proud I am of you.
You are seven going on fifteen. You are wise beyond your years my love and I love watching you analyze things. You spend your days asking question after question. Sometimes you drive me mad and we have mandatory quiet time.
Right now you LOVE pizza, spaghetti and breakfast food. You could live on those three things. You just finished up soccer, I think you’re gonna be my little sports fanatic. Chris bought a tackle dummy and you mess with it EVERYDAY when you get home from school. You like school and have found your love for reading. I make you read out loud for homework, but really I just love listening to you read. Your best friend in the whole world is your cousin Abel. You ask on a weekly basis for him to come over. You guys are two peas in a pod.
I love you to the moon and back my love. Thank you for being such an amazing son.
Love. Mom ❤️
You know what’s crazy? Just how unpredictable life is. If you’ve followed me for a while, you know just how much I went through to have my little man. Sometimes I look at him and my heart breaks knowing he won’t be little forever. I still remember the feeling the moment I heard his heart beat for the first time. I remember sitting across for the fertility doctor, having him tell me “it worked”..”you’re pregnant”. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. This little boy is a part of my heart.
He will be 7 next month. 7 years old. Somedays I feel like super mom. I can do it all. Those days everything just falls into place. Dinner. Done. Homework. Done. Shower. Clothes ready. Teeth brushed and in bed by 7:55. Done. Well done mama.
Then there are the other days. I drag. I’m in a fog. I’m tired. Drained from a long day at work. Those days, I feel like shit. A bad mom. A moody, bitchy mom who can seem to get her shit together. Don’t get me wrong. I try. But I fail. I get frustrated easily. My patience wears thin.
Last September, my little man was diagnosed with ADHD combined type. For years, I sat back and watched. Angry at others for how they saw my baby. How they labeled and judged him. How dare they. Daycare was hard. There were notes. And sideway looks when he was younger. He was never the “bad” kid. Just the active one. They one who during movie time crawled around the room and pretended he was a dinosaur. The climber. The Daredevil. The questioner. The talker. I guess in the back of my head I kind of knew.
Fast forward a few years and here we are. The start of first grade was as rough as kinder. Note about talking, not sitting still etc. We knew we had to do something. Making that call to see a specialist was hard. Admitting to myself that he needed more help than I could give him was even harder.
But we did it.
I am so happy that we did. The medicine didn’t fix Judah. It just bridged a gap. He is so smart and I’m so proud to be his mom.
Every so often I get the itch to write, to transfer all that life has delt me…into words. So here I am, back to writing.
The biggest news…I married my best friend in Vegas this past February. I wrote about him a couple of times. He’s probably the reason why I stopped writing. I’ve been living, enjoying life. I know it sounds super cheesy but I am so in love. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that we were meant to be together. We are opposite in some ways, but in most we just click.
One night a few months ago, he proposed. Not on bended knee with 10 dozen flowers. But next to the bed with an open heart. It was truly the most heartfelt words he’s ever said. It’s a special feeling when you know that someone thinks the world of you. I wouldn’t give that up for anything. Honestly, I would have said yes after 6 months. Guess you can say I just knew.
I found my lover, my best friend, my travel companion, my confidant.
Lucky doesn’t do it justice.
Last month Chris and I turned one. I can’t believe it’s been a year already. The time just seemed to fly by. I won’t sit here and tell you that it’s been all sweetness and kisses cause I’d be lying. We’ve had out disagreements and even our first “fights”. But at the end of it all there’s peace, a compromise, an understanding that no matter what, we have each others back.
Sometimes I sit and think about my past relationships and wonder why things weren’t this easy. Wrong person? Wrong time? A combination of both. What I do know is that they all taught me something. A lot about myself and some about men.
I can honestly say I see Chris so different than I did anyone else, including my ex-husband. Partly because of they type of person that he is. I’m gonna brag on my man a little bit so prep yourself. For starters, he is not a romantic in the general definition of the word. His romance is displayed when he rubs my back when I lay across his lap, or puts his hand in my hair. When I’m cooking he’ll come in to help me clean, he’ll grab the broom and mop and send me away to finish up. He gasses up my car. His sappy texts are rare but when I do get them I know they are from the heart. One of the things I love the most is that he can make me laugh. Even on my roughest days he’s a text or meme or picture away from making me smile. His soft, kind, funny, loving, sweetness is all mine. Most people don’t see that side of him.
I feel privileged to know what it feels like to be absolutely head over heels in love.
Let me first start by saying thank you to those who still follow. It’s been a while since I’ve written but it’s not for lack of material. Life has just been crazy.
It official now, I’m now a mom of a four year old. Where has the time gone? I feel like it was just yesterday that I was praying for a positive pregnancy test. Sometimes i look at him and wonder how I was so lucky to be his mom. He is smart and caring. He has an a amazing imagination and is so creative. I cant believe that in less than a year he will be a kindergartner. I hope and pray that I am leading him in the right direction. I have to admit that sometimes I fear that I’m lacking something, that not having his father under the same roof will somehow change who he should have been. Hopefully that will change soon. But speaking of men…I met a guy!
Yes there’s a guy, I guess that explains a little of my absences as well. He’s really great. ..but more about him later.
I don’t know how I got this far. But my heart is happy. I’m at peace with the way things my life have turned out.
The good, the bad, and the ugly.
This weekend was valentines day and im happy to say that I survived. Woohoo. My day consisted of being with the ones I love. Breakfast with my parents. Girl time…. watched 50 shades of Grey. And ended the night at home. Alone and happy. I am so greatful for what I havr accomplished, what God has changed in my life and what He has allowed to change me.
Two years ago I was a different person. I was broken, betrayed, worn and very unhappy. I held my head high on the outside and used up every ounce of my strength to stay strong for my baby. When he went to his dad’s house I would cry myself to sleep. I was in a dark tunnel with no end in sight. Everything seemed impossible. You see, I come from a family of marriages. It’s what I had always wanted. A husband, a few babies, a home, ect. I dreamed of a beautiful life of traveling and late night chats. I dreamed that the man I would marry would hold my heart forever. Through the thick and thin we would fight on.
Then everything died.
It was stripped away from me. I mourned deeply because all that I had wanted had walked out of the door. My dreams dragging behind him. The thought of someone else hurt, the thought of dating, moving on, seeing him with someone new, and the thought of lost love hurt. The thought of my son having step parents hurt. The thought of finding love again hurt. The thought of being alone hurt. Everything. Even my physical body hurt.
Days turned into weeks; weeks turned into months then into years. Just as the time passed so did the pain and the uncertainty. I am so happy now. I mean I have my not so great days but I have a plan. The light at the end of the tunnel is now shining bright on my face. I am blessed with a beautiful son and everyday has something to be thankful for. I look forward to the future, to finishing what I started, to learning and growing, to loving and I look forward to finding someone who will love me like I deserve. ♥
We laugh at work and joke about bringing tequila to make mixed drinks… you know to relieve the stress. Ha. Well, lemme tell you today would have been a perfect day for a drink. It started this morning when I woke up a little late. Getting out of the door on time with a 3 year old is tough but we managed to only be running 3 minutes behind. Started the car… gasoline on empty. Dropped my baby off…. stopped at the gas station and used my last $20 bucks for gas. This put me about….anoooootheerrrr 10 minutes behind schedule. Which only meant that I would NOT have time to do my makeup on the parking lot. LOL. Yes i know, who does that? Okay so you see how my day is going so far.
Mmmm about 2 hours into my day I go to the restroom and my fucking zipper breaks. Yes breaks! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk! I ravaged my desk for some safety pins. 2 score. At least my pants would stay up.
For the rest of the day i had to pin and unpin my pants every time i had to pee. Deep breath…savor the moments…brush off the little things blah blah blah.
Lunch time. Realize I left my homemade chicken soup in my car. Wallet-$0. Ritz crackers and water for lunch.
My son was scheduled to be picked up by his grandfather today. Maybe I should have made myself a damn note that I SWITCHED DAYS TO FRIDAY!!! How did I remember do you ask…. when the daycare called and asked if everything was okay because my son was there. The last kid left.
MY BABY!!! I felt like the worst mother! The worst mother ever. My son got into the car and was like ‘mommy you was late…I was missing you’. Knife to the heart.
Anyway, that was my day. In it’s shitty glory. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.