Happy birthday little one

Happy seventh birthday Judah. I wish that I could stop time sometimes. You are growing so fast and sometimes it makes me a little bit sad. I hope you know just how much I love you and how very proud I am of you.

You are seven going on fifteen. You are wise beyond your years my love and I love watching you analyze things. You spend your days asking question after question. Sometimes you drive me mad and we have mandatory quiet time.

Right now you LOVE pizza, spaghetti and breakfast food. You could live on those three things. You just finished up soccer, I think you’re gonna be my little sports fanatic. Chris bought a tackle dummy and you mess with it EVERYDAY when you get home from school. You like school and have found your love for reading. I make you read out loud for homework, but really I just love listening to you read. Your best friend in the whole world is your cousin Abel. You ask on a weekly basis for him to come over. You guys are two peas in a pod.

I love you to the moon and back my love. Thank you for being such an amazing son.

Love. Mom ❤️

Unsteady

You know what’s crazy? Just how unpredictable life is. If you’ve followed me for a while, you know just how much I went through to have my little man. Sometimes I look at him and my heart breaks knowing he won’t be little forever. I still remember the feeling the moment I heard his heart beat for the first time. I remember sitting across for the fertility doctor, having him tell me “it worked”..”you’re pregnant”. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. This little boy is a part of my heart.

He will be 7 next month. 7 years old. Somedays I feel like super mom. I can do it all. Those days everything just falls into place. Dinner. Done. Homework. Done. Shower. Clothes ready. Teeth brushed and in bed by 7:55. Done. Well done mama.

Then there are the other days. I drag. I’m in a fog. I’m tired. Drained from a long day at work. Those days, I feel like shit. A bad mom. A moody, bitchy mom who can seem to get her shit together. Don’t get me wrong. I try. But I fail. I get frustrated easily. My patience wears thin.

Last September, my little man was diagnosed with ADHD combined type. For years, I sat back and watched. Angry at others for how they saw my baby. How they labeled and judged him. How dare they. Daycare was hard. There were notes. And sideway looks when he was younger. He was never the “bad” kid. Just the active one. They one who during movie time crawled around the room and pretended he was a dinosaur. The climber. The Daredevil. The questioner. The talker. I guess in the back of my head I kind of knew.

Fast forward a few years and here we are. The start of first grade was as rough as kinder. Note about talking, not sitting still etc. We knew we had to do something. Making that call to see a specialist was hard. Admitting to myself that he needed more help than I could give him was even harder.

But we did it.

I am so happy that we did. The medicine didn’t fix Judah. It just bridged a gap. He is so smart and I’m so proud to be his mom.

Mrs. Williams

Every so often I get the itch to write, to transfer all that life has delt me…into words. So here I am, back to writing.

The biggest news…I married my best friend in Vegas this past February. I wrote about him a couple of times. He’s probably the reason why I stopped writing. I’ve been living, enjoying life. I know it sounds super cheesy but I am so in love. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that we were meant to be together. We are opposite in some ways, but in most we just click.

One night a few months ago, he proposed. Not on bended knee with 10 dozen flowers. But next to the bed with an open heart. It was truly the most heartfelt words he’s ever said. It’s a special feeling when you know that someone thinks the world of you. I wouldn’t give that up for anything. Honestly, I would have said yes after 6 months. Guess you can say I just knew.

I found my lover, my best friend, my travel companion, my confidant.

Lucky doesn’t do it justice.

Sunday purge

So I’ve been wanting to write for a couple of weeks now. But my stupid laptop was not cooperating with me. Anyway, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. My baby is turning 4 years old in a month, and for the past couple of weeks he’s been asking me for a baby brother. I don’t even know what to say to him. The first time he asked me I wanted to break down and cry. 

When I got married envision my life with maybe 3 kids.  I grew up in a pretty big family and I loved it.  I wanted the same for my son. We struggle to conceive but hoped that one day we will be able to try IVF again or adopt.   Well we see how that turned out.  I feel guilty and heartbroken.   I wish I could give him what he so genuinely wants.  It’s hard not to wish that someone would just come into my life and give me that family I had hoped for.  Maybe one day….Who knows.

On another note I went to go drop my son off today to his dad, and there was a picture of him and his new girlfriend on his bar. I had always wondered if he was seeing her  while we were dating and trying to work things out. So I asked him. and I got the answer I was expecting. He said they were not dating, but that they were hanging out and that the time that I came over TWO weeks after we had broken up she was the one that was there with him..with her son…and thier luggage. This made me sad and mad and frustrated all of the same time. I was sad that I had trusted this person, and the things he was telling me about bringing our family back together, and he chose instead to do things behind my back and lie. I was mad because I had allowed it all. I was hurt because it seems so unfair that he has someone to come home too, to talk to and to do all those new love things with.

I know that tomorrow I’ll feel better.  I’ll remember that she’s better off with him than I am and that one day I’ll have love, real love, the kind that doesn’t doesn’t hurt that doesn’t lie that doesn’t cheat the kind that doesn’t fizzle away.  

But tonight.  I will be sad.

Tomorrow will be better.

Happiness

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Dear Judah,

Your birthday is only two months away baby.  I cannot believe how big you are getting. We went to the park and you were picking flowers for me. I love you more than any words I could ever use. You are so kind and caring and I’m proud to be your mommy.

Life has calmed down so much. We are happy. You are happy. Your favorite thing to say is -I was thinking about you mommy- you definitely know how to melt my heart. Years ago I was so scared about raising you without your daddy in the same house.

But today I’m proud to say that we got this. I would not trade the time I have with you for anything in the world.

Favorite food- sausage and eggs, you could eat this everyday. For every meal.

Favorite song- Centuries by FallOutBoy

Favorite place to sleep- “in my back” as you say. You love to curl up behind me in my bed. You sneak in almost every night. I pretend that I mind but I actually love having you sleeping next to me.

I love you! I love the person I’ve become because of you.

♥ mommy

Monday ramblings

This weekend was valentines day and im happy to say that I survived.   Woohoo.  My day consisted of being with the ones I love.  Breakfast with my parents.   Girl time…. watched 50 shades of Grey. And ended the night at home.  Alone and happy.   I am so greatful for what I havr accomplished, what God has changed in my life and what He has allowed to change me.

Two years ago I was a different person.   I was broken, betrayed, worn and very unhappy.   I held my head high on the outside and used up every ounce of my strength to stay strong for my baby.   When he went to his dad’s house I would cry myself to sleep.  I was in a dark tunnel with no end in sight.   Everything seemed impossible.   You see, I come from a family of marriages.  It’s what I had always wanted.   A husband,  a few babies,  a home, ect.  I dreamed of a beautiful life of traveling and late night chats.  I dreamed that the man I would marry would hold my heart forever.   Through the thick and thin we would fight on.

Then everything died.

It was stripped away from me.   I mourned deeply because all that I had wanted had walked out of the door.  My dreams dragging behind him.  The thought of someone else hurt, the thought of dating,  moving on, seeing him with someone new, and the thought of lost love hurt.  The thought of my son having step parents hurt.  The thought of finding love again hurt.  The thought of being alone hurt.  Everything. Even my physical body hurt.

Days turned into weeks; weeks turned into months then into years.  Just as the time passed so did the pain and the uncertainty.   I am so happy now.  I mean I have my not so great days but  I have a plan. The light at the end of the tunnel is now shining bright on my face.    I am blessed with a beautiful son and everyday has something to be thankful for. I look forward to the future, to finishing what I started,  to learning and growing,  to loving and I look forward to finding someone who will love me like I deserve.   ♥