Baby fever

After my son was born I pretty much settled my heart on only having one child.  Not because I only wanted one but because we struggled to have Judah.   After trying for a couple of years,  we turned to IVF for help. According to an IVF calculator our chances for a pregnancy the first time was 32%, that number dropped to 10%-20% being that there was only one egg being transferred.  

I was terrified.   I used to lie awake at night praying,  hoping that everything was okay early on in the pregnancy.   Because of all that we went through we decided that we would adopt. 

Fast forward to now.  Im divorced.   Not dating anyone.   Ha, there’s not even someone on the radar.   But the other night I was sitting with my almost 4 year old son and he turns and asks me if he could have a brother.  😦  my heart broke.  I grew up in a big family and loved it.  I feel bad that he doesn’t have any siblings.   I wish he did.  I see him sometimes in his room playing by himself and I wish he had someone to giggle with, to be his side kick, to grow old with. 

Who knows.  Maybe one day, hopefully soon, I’ll meet that gentle man that will love me and maybe give me that big family I’ve always wanted. 

Monday ramblings

This weekend was valentines day and im happy to say that I survived.   Woohoo.  My day consisted of being with the ones I love.  Breakfast with my parents.   Girl time…. watched 50 shades of Grey. And ended the night at home.  Alone and happy.   I am so greatful for what I havr accomplished, what God has changed in my life and what He has allowed to change me.

Two years ago I was a different person.   I was broken, betrayed, worn and very unhappy.   I held my head high on the outside and used up every ounce of my strength to stay strong for my baby.   When he went to his dad’s house I would cry myself to sleep.  I was in a dark tunnel with no end in sight.   Everything seemed impossible.   You see, I come from a family of marriages.  It’s what I had always wanted.   A husband,  a few babies,  a home, ect.  I dreamed of a beautiful life of traveling and late night chats.  I dreamed that the man I would marry would hold my heart forever.   Through the thick and thin we would fight on.

Then everything died.

It was stripped away from me.   I mourned deeply because all that I had wanted had walked out of the door.  My dreams dragging behind him.  The thought of someone else hurt, the thought of dating,  moving on, seeing him with someone new, and the thought of lost love hurt.  The thought of my son having step parents hurt.  The thought of finding love again hurt.  The thought of being alone hurt.  Everything. Even my physical body hurt.

Days turned into weeks; weeks turned into months then into years.  Just as the time passed so did the pain and the uncertainty.   I am so happy now.  I mean I have my not so great days but  I have a plan. The light at the end of the tunnel is now shining bright on my face.    I am blessed with a beautiful son and everyday has something to be thankful for. I look forward to the future, to finishing what I started,  to learning and growing,  to loving and I look forward to finding someone who will love me like I deserve.   ♥

Tequila Tuesday

We laugh at work and joke about bringing tequila to make mixed drinks… you know to relieve the stress.  Ha.  Well, lemme tell you today would have been a perfect day for a drink.  It started this morning when I woke up a little late.  Getting out of the door on time with a 3 year old is tough but we managed to only be running 3 minutes behind.  Started the car… gasoline on empty.  Dropped my baby off…. stopped at the gas station and used my last $20 bucks for gas.  This put me about….anoooootheerrrr 10 minutes behind schedule.  Which only meant that I would NOT have time to do my makeup on the parking lot. LOL.  Yes i know, who does that?  Okay so you see how my day is going so far.

Mmmm about 2 hours into my day I go to the restroom and my fucking zipper breaks.  Yes breaks!  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk!  I ravaged my desk for some safety pins.  2 score.  At least my pants would stay up.

For the rest of the day i had to pin and unpin my pants every time i had to pee.  Deep breath…savor the moments…brush off the little things blah blah blah.

Lunch time.  Realize I left my homemade chicken soup in my car. Wallet-$0. Ritz crackers and water for lunch.

My son was scheduled to be picked up by his grandfather today.  Maybe I should have made myself a damn note that I SWITCHED DAYS TO FRIDAY!!! How did I remember do you ask…. when the daycare called and asked if everything was okay because my son was there.  The last kid left.

MY BABY!!!  I felt like the worst mother! The worst mother ever.  My son got into the car and was like ‘mommy you was late…I was missing you’.  Knife to the heart.

Anyway, that was my day.  In it’s shitty glory.  Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.

Letting go…for real this time

March will mark the two year anniversary of my divorce.   I can’t believe that I made it through.   But here I am.  Living.   Happy.  Blessed.  for the most part at least.  

A few months ago my ex decided that he wanted to try and see if things could work out between us.  He swore that he was genuine and that he really missed me….ect.  I was reluctant at first only because it took me so long to get over the pain of our divorce but I decided that for the sake of my son.  I would give it one last try.   Things started off a little rocky at first just because we’ve been separated for so long and really didn’t know how to act around each other.  But things were going good.  Or so I thought.   Fast forward to now…. we are no longer together.   Again.  Too many things have changed and too many things have not and I am okay with that. 

Im happy with where I am.  With who I am.  I will no wait for him to grow up.  I will not force things.  I will not be with someone who doesn’t show me the love I know I deserve.   I will move forward.   I will fall in love one day.

Big tall glass of clarity

This month. Right around this time, a year ago, I found myself in a very dark place.  In September 2012 my husband of almost five years asked me for a divorce.  Honestly, my world shattered.  I was immediately overwhelmed with a million questions.  Why me?  What did I do so wrong?  How could I be so unlovable? Was I really that horrible of a person that my own husband wanted nothing to do with me? What am I going to do?

For weeks, that added up to months, I walked around feeling like I had been punched in the stomach.  My mind was so clouded with anger, hate, and resentment, to name a few, that I couldn’t even think straight.  I was so deeply hurt.  At that moment I just knew that I would never be able to put back together the pieces of my broken heart.  Each night I would lay awake staring at the ceiling, with tears rolling down my face, thinking about my son.  Wondering what I would tell him, wondering if he even understood what was going on.  Aside from God’s true grace, he was the one thing that kept me going.

It’s been one year now.  In this past year I have learned so much about love, life, myself, and the resiliency of my heart.  I am in a much much better place now.  Things are not always easy and sometimes they even suck a little bit but I am learning to take it all as a lesson.  It’s taken me a very long time to understand that all I really need to do is to trust God.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching these past several months and I’ve really had some clarity.  I’m ready to be a different person.  I’m ready to be the person that I have always wanted to be.  Over the years I taught myself to blame others, to blame situations, to blame God, for my life being in the shape that it has been.  But I’m realizing now that the only one responsible for me is me.  I stupidly assigned others the responsibility of making me happy.  Every time that I did someone or something let me down.  The burden laid on them.  It was their fault I was heartbroken, unhappy, angry, sad, or even happy.  I shouldered none of the responsibility.

What a horrible way to live.  No wonder I was so unhappy.  I know I don’t want to be this person anymore.  I don’t want to be this example to my son and I certainly don’t want to cast this burden on to someone else.

My prayer is that God begin to mold and shape my heart in such a way that my true happiness will be found in Him.  That I will take hold of my life and hold only myself responsible for the things that I do or don’t do.  I pray that I be the best example to my son and that one day he look back on his life and know that I did everything I knew to do to show him how much I love him.  And I pray that one day I will be able look back on my own life and know that I was the best woman, mom, wife, sister, daughter, and person that I could be.

Perhaps even one day I will sit down with my ex-husband, the father of my son, and apologize for making him carry the heavy load of being my happiness.

Breaking up

Two months ago I met a man that I will call j.r. We met on the online site and hit it off right off the bat. He is single dad with 3 kids. We seem to have so much in common and over the past several weeks we spoke everyday.  Things went a little faster than I expected and I was having feeling for this person and vice versa.  

This was the first time in a long time that I actually was excited about someone.   I let my guard down and allowed myself to get lost in the idea of being with someone.  

Well because ofour schedule and the schedule with our kids we decided to wait to meet this coming Saturday at a concert.  Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea.  Fast forward to tonight, and we just “broke up” which I dont even know if you can do that if you have never met.  

For the past several days he had been a little standoffish and I could tell that he was not himself.  So I called him tonight and asked him to be honest with me.  And that he did.  He said that he was going through some things and was not ready for a relationship.   That he didn’t think that he or his kids were ready for someone long term. He said he was not trying to be cliche but that it was not me but him. I appreciate his honesty though. I would have rather know now then 6 months down the line.

So I guess you can say that this is one of those you win some you lose some kind of moment. Honestly, I don’t know what could have been. But if it’s one thing that I’ve learned is that you cannot force someone to be with you if they don’t want to. So here I am again in this single boat.  And im okay with that.  

I’m old enough to understand that sometimes things just don’t work out. That sometimes relationships don’t blossom because they were never meant to be in the first place.

Over the past several months I’ve learned that I have a lot to offer someone. Today I am patient, and I will wait on the Lord. I know He will bring me exactly what I need and exactly what my son needs. For that I am grateful.

Finding the silver lining

It’s 10 p.m. and I find myself staring at this blank screen.  To be honest I’m not sure where to start.  I am a 31 year old single mother of one. A son who is almost two and a half. I had another blog once.  I miss the anonymity of writing about myself… to no one at all.  There is a certain release that I find in letting out what I am thinking.  I’m still unsure if this will be an anonymous blog or not but it will be an honest one none the less.

I’ll start with today’s thoughts.  I’m currently unemployed and looking for a job.   As of last month my boss let me know that I would be laid of for a period of time.  It’s stressful.  Thankfully I do have a little income that will keep me afloat for a while, but it doesn’t do much for those nights that I lay awake wondering where I will be in a few month.  My car is in desperate need of some TLC that has to wait, for now, and the holidays are just around the corner.  And with all this craziness, there is this guy who is amazing and I am head over heels for but the feelings I have for him scare me.

I try not to worry, not to let the things I can’t change get to me.  Hence the name of this blog.  Somehow God reminds me that things will be okay.  Gives me a certain peace that He will work things out.

Sometimes dark clouds fill the skies and threaten to drown me with life’s problems.  But slowly I’m starting to find that even during the not so great times that there is a peace in dancing in the rain.  That each cloud that comes has a silver lining.  I just have to take the time to see it.