Baby fever

After my son was born I pretty much settled my heart on only having one child.  Not because I only wanted one but because we struggled to have Judah.   After trying for a couple of years,  we turned to IVF for help. According to an IVF calculator our chances for a pregnancy the first time was 32%, that number dropped to 10%-20% being that there was only one egg being transferred.  

I was terrified.   I used to lie awake at night praying,  hoping that everything was okay early on in the pregnancy.   Because of all that we went through we decided that we would adopt. 

Fast forward to now.  Im divorced.   Not dating anyone.   Ha, there’s not even someone on the radar.   But the other night I was sitting with my almost 4 year old son and he turns and asks me if he could have a brother.  😦  my heart broke.  I grew up in a big family and loved it.  I feel bad that he doesn’t have any siblings.   I wish he did.  I see him sometimes in his room playing by himself and I wish he had someone to giggle with, to be his side kick, to grow old with. 

Who knows.  Maybe one day, hopefully soon, I’ll meet that gentle man that will love me and maybe give me that big family I’ve always wanted. 

Monday ramblings

This weekend was valentines day and im happy to say that I survived.   Woohoo.  My day consisted of being with the ones I love.  Breakfast with my parents.   Girl time…. watched 50 shades of Grey. And ended the night at home.  Alone and happy.   I am so greatful for what I havr accomplished, what God has changed in my life and what He has allowed to change me.

Two years ago I was a different person.   I was broken, betrayed, worn and very unhappy.   I held my head high on the outside and used up every ounce of my strength to stay strong for my baby.   When he went to his dad’s house I would cry myself to sleep.  I was in a dark tunnel with no end in sight.   Everything seemed impossible.   You see, I come from a family of marriages.  It’s what I had always wanted.   A husband,  a few babies,  a home, ect.  I dreamed of a beautiful life of traveling and late night chats.  I dreamed that the man I would marry would hold my heart forever.   Through the thick and thin we would fight on.

Then everything died.

It was stripped away from me.   I mourned deeply because all that I had wanted had walked out of the door.  My dreams dragging behind him.  The thought of someone else hurt, the thought of dating,  moving on, seeing him with someone new, and the thought of lost love hurt.  The thought of my son having step parents hurt.  The thought of finding love again hurt.  The thought of being alone hurt.  Everything. Even my physical body hurt.

Days turned into weeks; weeks turned into months then into years.  Just as the time passed so did the pain and the uncertainty.   I am so happy now.  I mean I have my not so great days but  I have a plan. The light at the end of the tunnel is now shining bright on my face.    I am blessed with a beautiful son and everyday has something to be thankful for. I look forward to the future, to finishing what I started,  to learning and growing,  to loving and I look forward to finding someone who will love me like I deserve.   ♥

Letting go…for real this time

March will mark the two year anniversary of my divorce.   I can’t believe that I made it through.   But here I am.  Living.   Happy.  Blessed.  for the most part at least.  

A few months ago my ex decided that he wanted to try and see if things could work out between us.  He swore that he was genuine and that he really missed me….ect.  I was reluctant at first only because it took me so long to get over the pain of our divorce but I decided that for the sake of my son.  I would give it one last try.   Things started off a little rocky at first just because we’ve been separated for so long and really didn’t know how to act around each other.  But things were going good.  Or so I thought.   Fast forward to now…. we are no longer together.   Again.  Too many things have changed and too many things have not and I am okay with that. 

Im happy with where I am.  With who I am.  I will no wait for him to grow up.  I will not force things.  I will not be with someone who doesn’t show me the love I know I deserve.   I will move forward.   I will fall in love one day.

I met the new girlfriend…and this heifer wanted a hug!

When we divorced, we promised that if there was someone who was serious enough to bring around our son that we would introduce this person to one another.  Yes, I know that this may seem a little weird to some but in my defense, my son is still little.  He was only a year and a half old when we separated.  I really was nervous about having him around someone being that he was so little and couldn’t really vocalize if he was being hurt in any way.

Two weekends ago my son came home as usual, then ran to the window at our balcony and was yelling “daddy..jj..daddy..jj”.  And I was like ‘oh helllllll no’ my baby has been around some woman enough to remember her name.  My son is two and a half.  Anyway later that day I messaged my ex and asked if there was someone that my son has been around lately named JJmand he said that this woman was a friend… but later said that she was a girlfriend and that she had met my son. I asked if I could meet her, just to see her face, to give  her that “if you touch my baby there will be hell to pay look”.  I wanted her to know that I was in the picture.

Last week I went for an interview (I looked great…hair curled, makeup done and most importantly there were no Cheetos hand prints on my shirt from a two year old)   After the interview I went to pick up some money from my sons dad.  We agreed to meet down the street and he let me know that he would be bringing his girlfriend so we could meet and in his words” get to know each other and say whats up”.  -.- Ummmm how about no.  I just needed her to see my face and for her to know I could go bat shit crazy on her if need be.  Okay so I’m sitting there in the parking lot of a QuickTrip waiting on him.  I was nervous.  I wanted to drive away.  I wasn’t ready for this yet but here I was.  So they pull up, we stay in our cars and he gives me the money.  “this is jj…” to which I reply a very generic nice to meet you.  Her reply; (in a very annoying, overly excited, we’re going to be BFFs voice) oh hi… nice to meet you!! I wish we were out of the car so I could hug you… I’m a hugger!!!  WHAT THE HELL!! I’m a puncher bioch so back the hell up.  It must have been the look I gave her that made her sit back in her seat.

I mean who does that??? Really.  I quickly said goodbye and drove away.  I was annoyed.  I didn’t know if she was just being a jerk or if she really is that dumb to think that I would greet her with open arms.

Awkward meetings – 1

On a more positive note, the interview went great!!

 

 

Help me!!! I’m drowning

It’s 11 o’clock pm here in Texas.  I just came back from the grocery store, I’ve been stuck in my apartment for the past day and a half.  Winter storm of 2013 brought sheets of unforgiving ice and pretty much shut down north Texas.  Well, this nice little storm has allowed me to have some quiet time with myself (my son has been with his dad for the past several days).  With nothing to do my mind has been on overload.

I will start with what happened today while it’s fresh on my mind.  I was talking with my sons dad and he mentioned his girlfriend giving him advice about my son.  Side note–My sons dad and I separated in September 2012 and our divorce was finalized in March 2013.  One of the things that I’ve struggled with the most is that my ex-husband started dating soon after we separated.  When he asked for a divorce I specifically asked him to wait to date until after our divorce was final out of respect for me.  He agreed, saying that he would never ever think of doing such a thing.  This is not what happened.  Over and over again during our separation I caught him in lies and caught him lying about going out with other women.  This would not have bothered me so much if (1) he didn’t pretend that he was still interested in making things work (2) he didn’t ask me to wait on money for my son when he was out spending this money on dates (3) he didn’t lie directly to my face or (4) that I was trying everything that I knew to do to salvage our relationship.

Fast forward to tonight.  This month marks the one year anniversary of the month that we divorced.  From the moment that I found out that he was out dating I questioned EVERYTHING.  I felt to worthless.  I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he didn’t want anything to do with me and I have always wondered when he started dating.  So tonight, I asked him.

Honestly, I wasn’t surprised at his answer.  He said that sometime around when we first separated he created a POF account and started dating.  Soon after that he said that he created a match account.  He followed this by stating that he didn’t cheat on me.  -.- I’m sorry.  If you are married and dating, that’s cheating in my book.  Recently, he has been dating this woman.  From what I know they have been together for a couple of months.  Parents have been introduced and she has also met my son.

Saying all of this, welcome to my pity party.  I feel like a five year old, wanting to throw a tantrum.  Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t want him back.  I did in the beginning but I realized over time that he didn’t want to be with me long before we got a divorce.  Why chase something or someone who doesn’t want you, right?  But I feel that I should have someone too.  I guess you can say I’m feeling a little jealous that he has someone to talk to, to date, to kiss, to hug and so on.  It seems a little unfair. No?

Please, I’m still a rookie at this whole divorced thing.  Any advice is appriciated. 🙂

I found my love on an online dating site!!!

Hahaha!!! Just kidding.  I haven’t found “Mr.Right”.  I have been on a popular online dating site for a few weeks now.  From those two weeks I’ve gotten one date with Mr. Inappropriate and have a potential date for this Sat.

Here is my frustration with this whole online dating thing.   It’s NOTHING like the commercials.  You know, the one where the couple is sitting across from each other in some romantic restaurant …laughing.  LOL  nothing like that.  At least not for me.  

This is what I’ve learned so far. There are a lot of men that don’t seem to have it all together yet. I thought by trying to find a someone in his early to mid 30’s, I would find someone that was a little more grounded and ready for something a little more serious then just screwing around. The last few men that have message me or that I have gone on a date with all live with either a parent or a roommate. Don’t get me wrong I understand that sometimes life happens and moving in with someone temporarily is the only solution. But a man living with mom just isn’t going to fly with me.

So most nights I just sit and stare at my screen. Check my emails, and check the list of guys that have a few need that day and wonder why in the world would someone view my profile over and over but not send a message. One would think that the keyboard would be similar to liquid courage and all shyness would dissipate. {deep sigh} But I guess true love is not in the stars for me yet or at least not today.

Who knows maybe Mr. Right is filling out his online profile as we speak. Lol. Then again maybe not.

The Hurt and the Healer

Today I’m feeling like my brain is on over load.  I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks, I promised myself that I would keep up with blogging.  So here is a little about everything that’s been on my mind.

1. JOB– still no job.  I’ve been applying everywhere, and nothing.  I’m getting so impatient.  Praying and hoping for something really soon.  With the holidays just around the corner I’m feeling a little bummed, this whole trusting God thing is soooo not easy.

2. LOSING WEIGHT–  I’ve been trying for the past several months to change the way that I eat and exercise.  I got on the scale this morning and I have not gained any weight in the last several days.  YAY.  I haven’t been working out at all 😦 which is NOT helping with the whole feeling bummed out feeling.  But YAY again…. no weight gain.

3. CO-PARENTING– I hate this whole, co-parenting thing.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so very very thankful that my sons father is very involved and helps me with anything that I need for our little boy, but man do I hate not being able to see him on the weekends.  I miss him like crazy!  My apartment is so quiet, everything in its place. No Dora the Explorer blaring in the background.  I hate it.  The quietness drives me nuts.

4. RELEARNING WHAT I KNOW ABOUT MEN-  A couple of weeks ago I got ‘Think Like a Lady, Act Like a Man’.  I picked it up with some skepticism, thinking okay, I know men.  What in heavens can this book add to my expertise on men.  Well, I’ve read the book and I have to say, I learned a few things.  (that’s a blog for tomorrow) But I can say that I’ve changed the game plan.  I’m not going to settle, even if that means waiting a little longer for a good man. 🙂

5. HEALING–  I am allowing my self to heal.  After my separation and eventually divorce , I had to be strong, I had to stand, to put on a tough face and stand when all I wanted to do was to crawl into a small hole and just die.  I had a moment a couple of weeks ago, I was praying and I just started to cry.  And it was such a release.  I cried because sometimes things are hard, I cried because sometimes being alone is lonely.  I cried because I don’t always have it together and I cried because I looked back on the past year and even though it didn’t feel like it at the time, I know God was moving, healing, caring for, and loving me all the while.

I love this song.  It describes how Ive felt in the past and still do at times.  All I can do is thank God for carrying me through these times.